A journey with a masculine sense of being and our heart space

An example of what we come up against when we look our masculine with eyes open wide, "face to face" in the men around us:

It still amazes me the kind of men I have been drawing. They want to give me NOTHING. They do, however, want sex. That's it. How can they get laid? How can they capitalize on my gifts? They don't want their psyche touched, addressed, commented upon, curiously inquired of (taking it automatically as a criticism). So, they try various methods. One is "Tell me what to do". Fuck you! I have been expressing my journey, my processes providing an example. It's all there, wide open and public. "This what I am doing and it's working". So, I know this is a reflection of what is going on within me: my "masculine" half quietly observing, seeking out weak spots to capitalize upon. And as I become aware of it, I slowly feel releases of energy leaking into the right/feminine side which is crystal clear and full of delight. So, part of me is still wondering how it can capitalize upon my gifts. Part of me is still putting on the pretense of seeking "outer" (inner guidance from the feminine) guidance, and presumptuously taking responsibility for the liberation of my being AFTER the feminine has liberated me from the oppression the masculine has brought upon it by it's existence in hiding...willingly. Awareness of this all draws out the teen female aspect's rebelliousness(cut off the nose to spite the face, leap regardless of the cost) and the more mature and experienced "witch" who can conjure harm to the masculine, which of course "he" likes as it undermines the feminine and so a whole lot of compassionate understanding radiating forth into all of it, releasing into sadness. Other "ploys" of immature masculine: the believed need to control and incite emotions, a reaction, responses from gift giving, startlement, manipulation ("if you don't do this than I will think you don't love me". guess what, it's not my job to make you think anything and I can't be held responsible for what you decide to think), which of course the feminine in it's immature aspects feels like they have somehow caused this, SHOULD feel responsible(guilt, insecurity in own position, etc.)....I should be "nice" and act delighted.......so how am I capitalizing on my awareness that my "energy" influences people's responses to me? How am I consciously manipulating my experience rather than allowing it develop naturally as a reflection of my authentic inner reality? Why am I not trusting that my authentic inner reality CAN develop naturally as something safe, pleasant and uncomplicated?
I am the most guileless person I know, but I a have become aware that I bring my lack of guile into calculated environments. So I address this without judgement. Who doesn't consider "what could I do if...", right? Children. They hardly ever get to choose where they shall go...they're told from waking to sleeping. They are guileless brought into calculated situations and when we are turned out at 18 yrs old: we adopt the calculator aspect for ourselves using our "heart on our sleeve" to draw people, interactions, responses, reactions that are wanted and conceived. In doing so we injure our inner kingdom, our false inner child and heart/mother. And yes, I am "touchy" about my beliefs, my inner experiences but all that is addressed in the choices I have been making as synchronicity draws those who are normally highly critical people into my experience when my "pants are down" and I fluidly address their questions without going into a panic. Yup, I am right here doing this........and it becomes exposed in my heart space for sadness to be felt, loving compassion to be shared with it.....I shall never feel THAT particular fear again. The hidden passive-aggressive manipulation of one's emotional self...amazing. To deny it is to expose it, to look for it is to create it if we look too hard for too long.....a quick, thorough inner check along with a poke up into the etheric body above the left side of the head, the mantle of darkness that descends when distracted by hurt and fear.......right there at the edges of our self awareness.
But I do not despair for I am recognizing the game of those who won't give until they first get an approved story (so i stop seeking an "approved" excuse for doing what I do, justifying my actions and choices...become more 'spontaneous') and when they finally do, they demand you count what they give in front of them and expect an overly appreciative, groveling acknowledgement of their "undeserved mercy".......no, I focus instead on the growing number of unconditional, unquestioning givers who, come to find out later, have stuffed $20 bills into my children's pockets or placed them graciously in my hands with a warm, companionable squeeze and accompanying smile of approval. i am growing into my vision of the experience I CAN be having. Their stay may be shorter and less attention consuming, but their presence far healthier and significant!

What the heart is doing during our long sleep:
The heart came to some semblance of maturity in our bodies long before any other part of it. It begins beating long before the brain and body are fully formed, establishing it's self and "giving birth" to the other two during virtually the entire duration of our life in the womb. We see it's reflection in our mothers and mother-in-laws, our daughters, sisters and female friends most of all. It can overbearing, condescending,narcissistic, patronizing, traitorous. Or, it can be a gateway, a conduit of peace between the body/feminine and mind/masculine.

Let us not forget our stomach:
They say feminine is right brain, masculine is left but feminine is rooted in the stomach. How much of anyone can you "stomach"? How much of anything can you "stomach"? It is a receiver, not just of physical food but of consciousness and awareness. When your mind imagines something potentially exciting not physically manifested where are the "butterflies" felt? The brain is courting the stomach with flowers of thought and in it's immature forms becomes offended when we cannot "stomach" an idea and may shut down that connection with the help of an empathically mutually offended heart. If overloaded with offensive circumstances, the stomach becomes ill and even shuts down, digestive problems develop. The stomach is closest to the core of our being, so if we want to know what our "divine essence", the core of who we are, our "inner Christ", our "inner kingdom" is perceiving, doing, wanting, "thinking"......we are mindful of what our stomach is telling us.

What we are to be:
Let the mind reflect the emotional core rather than reflect on it. The emotional core knows why it feels as it does about anything. The mind can receive that awareness, embrace it and express it with action, movement, voice. It can take in other thoughts that enhance it's understanding of things with complete loyalty to how the emotional core feels about such things with the heart as an empathetic conduit between the two of them, a nurturer of the fluidity of the relationship.
This may be where this is going.