I am home

     I have come home to myself.
As I deal with feelings of being a party pooper, raining on people's fun, destroying their 'feeling good' by destroying the illusion created by them to fit in to an unsafe environment. I am burning down the house. Yes, coming near me is dangerous for those who cherish and cling to their illusions, the lies they tell themselves, their misguided, conditioned ignorance. It is not to destroy them, but an act of self defense against the lies they tell me, the stories they would apply to me,the things they bring into my environment as entertainment and sentiments to be shared. I am dealing with the final volley of the end of a relationship war within me that spilled out so long ago when I learned to accept and allow it to begin with. No one leaves a street gang without 'consequences', a mafia family without punishment, so I brave the ring of fire, the gauntlet of one who would exit. The light is just ahead.
Our prayers are answered even before we are prompted to ask them. A woman who values herself, her well-being and her children and their well-being above all else was delivered into the care and keeping. The desire to add value was then prompted to be voiced and dedicated to. They were not there for me in a time of my need forced to take me in, I was sent to them in the time of need of theirs and forced to accept them. It is up to them to recognize it and honor it and accept and honor the role switch in their minds and actions. This where my personal god leaves their generational and cultural god, for from henceforth, I am to be preceded by blaring trumpets, divine announcement, a place of honor amidst the song, dance and celebration of my welcome. Let the new day and new way begin!
    And then it hits home; I valued my value, our value, more than life it's self. Who is more fit to teach value by example?
So, they bowed before her and asked her to entertain their request in their most gracious of manner; "May we sit at your feet and will you share with us your wisdom?"

I AM the fifth element

(ubuntu)

As I stood outside, reflecting on how a friend will ask why I blocked her as a FB friend, I imagined saying "I have bigger things to worry about" and found no resonance. I noticed I felt down to the right about waist height. It was empty. There is a void where "things to worry about" used to live. I perked up. A space for "things to telight in to come in"!

I am finally allowing in that many who ask for help, don;t really want it. They want a feel good moment, a drug, a band aid so they don't see, feel or hear their own blood screaming out to them for change. They want the change without needing to do the changing. Those aren't my people.

In "Returning the Favor Effect" group someone referred a pagan food pantry. My response: This is more of a need and gift than many would expect! There are homeless and domestic violence shelters that require church attendance as a condition for staying. Most charitable organizations are run by Christian organizations that are always asking, in the very least, to pray over you. They hand out pamphlets and preaching cards about needing god and Jesus as savior in the food packages, etc. It makes that food hard to digest. One very much feels they are forced to relinquish their religious freedoms to get the help they so desperately need. They feel their religious beliefs assaulted by such assertions that they can't be good, do good unless they choose Christianity. They feel disrespected by being told "We are all sinners" (which means; you, too). "Well, then you don't need the food", I've been told. With so many refugees and immigrants, I am sure they feel it, too but fear being accused of being unappreciative for speaking up and asking their beliefs be honored and respected by not trying to convert them. What a fabulous haven we would be if we allowed people to feel safe in their cultural and/or chosen spirituality!