Relationships where i am at

"He who does not hate mother father.......is not worthy of me". I chose my journey and search over family and friends, there is noit was question there. It resulted in alot of resentment, anger and feelings of abandonment. Sometimes I think that might be purely selfish as well. But no, my heart bled for my children while God hardened it against succombing to those who demanded I compromise to get them back. I was given the courage to choose and ultimately it was my choosing. follow my broken and desperate heart back to my children and sacrifice what I knew to spiritually be true or harden that heart and move forward on the journey I started with the hope that it would reward us all in the end.
   And so now I have come back. I have been hesitant out of fear of being called away again. Those I left have been hesitant out of mistrust that I will just up and leave someday again. I have been existing in limbo scared to death that I would have to embody the abandoner again. There is nothing I hate more than knowing I am the cause of such heartbreak, to have been the reason for others not to trust or love. To know I am viewed as the destroyer leaving a path of destruction behind her. It was soul-killing to be such for someone like me who was so sensative and empathic. devastating to me who never wanted to do anything but love everybody.
   But the fault is within them as well. They did not have to make leaving let go. They did not have to hold me responsible for their inability to give freedom to one so intent on retrieving gifts that would benefit them.
   So, this morning a thought came to me: could it be that God calls some of us away to refine and discipline us so that He could deliver us back to our families and friends as living gifts and expressions of Him and His love for them? Joseph was taken away and returned to the Isrealites in a way that saved them from famine. Esther was removed and then returned in a way that would save them as well. My heart yearns for the answer to be 'yes'. I have been returned and can stay, never again to be the reason for heartache (though if not me, they would have found someone else to stumble over, no doubt) to those who count.
   But then there is the admonition "let the righteous continue in righteousness and the unrighteous in unrighteousness". I set out to end the cycle of abuse in my family with myself for the benefit of my children, but we are not supposed to try to change people. So, I can only be the light God made me and let Him do the changing. So anything I do must be done carefully and precisely with the intention of presenting an option without attacking an establishment. To flow like water between the rocks of this worldly system cleansing and refreshing that which needs it,, I guess. Tall order for a clumsy oaf like me, I think. One day at a time, I suppose.