Blossoming that triggers the approach of the makers

This afternoon's highlighted aspect: the feeling of helplessness. The knowing you could handle it on the street, if I were on my own property .... there is "divine help" when needed. We are never alone. So, I sit with my feeling of helplessness and wait to discover it's gifts.


Sitting with the feelings of helplessness, I acknowledge the reasons for them. From our entry into the world accompanied by violence we are powerless to avoid like needles penetrating our sensitive skin and muscle tissue, harsh lights, cold medical implements, etc., to being powerless over the circumstances we're brought home to, powerless to stop punishments, to heal that in our parents and community that cause them, to conditioned helplessness that says we must get our answers and solutions and means from others who are "better" at something or "more" of something accomplished with terroristic threats of negative "consequences". I was recently told I was not allowed to help my neighbor because I'm the one in need.(really?! I'm going to the store anyways I most certainly can give my neighbor with back problems a ride). Losing the roof over my head was the threat.
Yesterday's threat was losing custody of my children if I protect them from emotional abuse, intellectual abuse, and physical abuse from a social worker and loss of the roof over my head if I refuse to cooperate. I am not helpless I this. I could act in self defense and I can bolt. Instead I'm acting discerningly and taking only inspired actions. There's something bigger at work here.
So, feeling helpless is acceptable; has valid reason for existing. No need to fight it, repress it, strike out from the pain of it or "take matters into my own hands" to prove that I'm not helpless.
People like to say "you can't help someone else if you can't even help yourself". Problem is: helping one's self in this society means taking dead end jobs that won't last, action, action, action, which ends up being wasted, unproductive energy. I always help myself. I find ways to fulfill my needs. Maybe that was the reason for this to be triggered in me; so I could here me say that I do, in fact, help myself. It may not be the way others do it, but that does not mean I'm not doing it.

There's always an angel in the gateway, so often looking dark and foreboding as it demands us to declare ourselves, challenges our declaration and then opens the way to a greater experience based on the terms of our self declaration. What do we follow the words "I am" with?

Today's aspect of the morning reflections to be reflected upon by me; the button pusher. Ah....it didn't know that's what it was because it was not the use for which it was born. That was just the result of a naive intuition that had all the answers if there was one to have. In it's innocent form, it was met with violence so great fear surrounded it's expression. It was released by my passive aspect only as a last resort such as when we were pinned to the ground with arms spread and subjected to incessant tapping on the forehead (oh, how my brother despised my extra sensory perceptions, they always exposed his evil plans for me). So, we'd find exactly the right words to send him jumping off me and running away crying.
If it weren't for my passive aspects, the button pusher would have followed family tradition and made me a full blown narccasist. Instead, it just became another self destructive aspect of my inner darkness. "Better to hurt myself than others" went the belief. Of course, now we know that's an erroneous belief. The world that is upside down, inside out, and @ss backwards "calling good bad and bad good" can use as many keen perceptive script flippers, creative thinkers to turn it right side up, right side down, and @ss forward (the arse is in the back, such an odd saying if we're going literal, lol). We delight in them!
So, yeah, life is allowing me to come to a healthy, wholesome relationship with my highly intuitive, empathic aspect that it's clarity might be used for more than just self defense.

I'm not pelting myself for wanting something! Desire is the root of creation and an integral part of our health and well being. It's OK to imagine having something, having something done our way, etc! Yay!

Another 'what today showed me about me'-
I didn't feel 'baited' ! Yay!
Normally I chat along openly and people suddenly become accusatory and twist what I've excitedly shared to use against me. I then feel betrayed and baited and self conscious and horrible.
No more! Fishing for info is normal human activity. We get to explore one another that way. I'm being authentic and honest. The feeling of being betrayed is because down deep, I feel I've betrayed myself by allowing myself to be lured in. No. I should be excited to express all the awesomeness we've been up to. So *shrug* someone else begins to cross boundaries, I said so and I shut the interaction down. I'm getting good at that 👍 I've betrayed nothing. I engaged in normal human activity. Yes, there are predatory people with malicious intent born (in this case) of jealousy or some other trauma induced issue. We have the right to recognize it and walk away from it.
So exciting!

What life is showing me about me today:
I tuned out my "gift of discerning spirits", "extrasensory perceptions", because, well, they were horrifying. The sheer malice, fear, insecurities, plotting, depression, paths leading to pain, loss, death was pervasive in my environment. They were "reawakened" in my thirties when I could tap into better feelings and destinies. I would still be triggered by trajectories leading to violent death.
Today, I knew someone was coming because I could "discern", smell, their spirit. I wasn't triggered by them as I usually would be and shortly after they left I "saw"/was given to know where their trajectory was leading them. Not a cringe, not a single change in my energy. I was flying high in clarity, which allowed me a clear view and I was just fine with it.
I do believe I have finally grown into my gifts 

Life's invitation to me today:
Stop feeling like a lost 5 year old on the first day of school when told in that slow, "I'm speaking to an idiot" tone "you're going to sit at one of these tables until it's time for our appointment". I can still feel like a grown-@ss woman who knows what she's doing even when that's not the way I'm spoken to.
The good news is, the narsasistic tone with accusatory questioning tilt of the head uttering "well, that's not normal, we never had that happening before, we would know" did not trigger self doubt. Yes, it is perfectly normal in a humid environment on a cement slab and you may "encourage" (the speaker said it in quotes) residents to report it and believe the masked coersion increases problem reporting, but I'll bet I'm right: people don't report it because they don't want to invite criticism and blame into their "home" space. I can just see that poor speaker's childhood conditioning bleeding through.
"I believe you" is an oft spoken phrase between myself and my children. On days like this I'm especially grateful it's the natural thing for me to do. A blame free, suspicion free, blame free childhood is sooooo beautiful!

I remember complaining once about a mom constantly coming to me for food for her children (testing as I have been judged for seeking "charity" as a way to be "provider"). The response was "so, she's making sure her children are fed". Easy peasy, point made to me. So, when we read "do you provide?" (Are you a good, responsible parent), the answer is yes. How we provide isn't as important as our success in doing it.

Boy am I feeling my conditioning this morning!
In a culture where love is conditional and creates indebtedness, expectation, one develops a resistance to love infused gestures.
My refusal to embrace love infused gestures has been a line of defense of my right to self determination. My soul even refuses my mind and my spirit on this basis. It remembers the accusations of lack of appreciation for doing the unexpected which turned out well for me because it was intuitively directed and then jealousy motivated at it's success caused condemnation. Example: "I don't know why the judges gave you champion; you sit with your pelvis back instead of tucked. It's not fair and it's not right". Thanks Mom. I'm happy for me, too. You won't hesitate to stand next to me when the cameras are on, though, will you?
Again, I chose to take the negative from an experience instead of realizing "hey! I do have 'horse whisperer' qualities and my unique posture is world class". Instead I invested more value in my mother's perceptions because, heaven forbid!, I was a child. I invested with expectation. A perfectly normal, natural childhood expectation, especially since if momma wasn't happy, no one else had a right to be. Which, of course, is a toxic power for in it's immature desire, it creates dependency and resentment of that dependency. As a mother, I know what it feels like to want to just feel your own emotions without dragging your children into every one of them with you due to proximity. "This is my fear, sadness, etc...., stop taking it from me!", lol. Bad enough we can't go to the bathroom alone, have to share food as we go to place that one treat left to us into our mouths.....I don't want to share my emotions!" lol Another reason I smoke. No one can fault me for not sharing it and stepping outside into my own physical space. Don't want to expose anyone to second hand smoke, which they now claim is nuclear fall out, bwahaha....I WILL have my space and freedom! Preach it's evil

Today's self realization:
So often I cry at the thought of eating. It no longer hurts physically as my esophagus has come a long way in healing from the surgery done at the tender moments after my digestive system's miraculous ressurection. No, it's an emotional thing. It occurs to me this morning as it occurs again, the reluctance to take in sustenance despite it being all kinds of ingredients I love the taste of, consciously and lovingly prepared by me: I am yet to be fully sure I want to sustain my human existence. Some aspects of me still don't find the benefits convincing. As the sobs commence and tears fall, I hug myself warmly and remind me "it's OK to feel that way". I've learned and seen proof of my own value in the simple(not so simple) allowing myself to physically exist, to anchor my highly aware presence here where my increasingly healthy thought patterns become an alternate offering in mass consciousness' menu. My embodiment of them paves the way for others to do so. Me having a smoke break where I receive self awareness, realizations, etc has a huge impact on my family, my community, the entire world around me. But I face a world incapable of perceiving the value in my being "left alone", to do what I do. Even those who can begin to see believe it's not healthy for me to spend all day at home, lol. They believe I will only feel my own value, have a sense of value if I find a job or am volunteering. They cannot see how I am already consumed with work and volunteering. As a realization begins to develope it's self first thing in the morning, I wonder how I can be present with it when there is a bus to meet and an appointment immediately following that will consume my presence until the time the bus returns with my children and the facilitation of processing their day begins and continues in stages until they go to bed at which point I'm exhausted.
It's not all "them", for parts of me still need convincing, as shown by the emotional pain of eating.

Self discovery, desires buried so deep that seeing them manifested in others' lives sends me into a psyche tailspin feeling like a cruel joke being played at my expense. Opening to achieving at least a fondness for one exhibited in others' lives, I come to realize why I do not manifest in detail. Painting with a broad brush doesn't require as much investment. It keeps the distance from the fear we feel when our desire's manifestation is close. If aren't even close, we can't screw it up last minute, we can't lose it, disappoint them, fail to maintain it, etc. The broad brush is safe, from that perspective. So am I ready to dream and imagine and create in detail? It would require letting go and allowing desire to draw close. Ha! Perfectionism has manifested in me again! My fear of not doing it "right", keeps me from even an attempt. There is no try 😉 I can do this.