When the gateway started to approach (long)

If all this awareness is being pointed out to me: impending gateway. Right turn signal on, grab your "oh shit!" handle, people; we're taking this off ramp and riding the loopdeloop to a new experience of reality!

Reminded of the name of the female Buddha and Buddhavista: Tara
I remember that at the end of the story of Siddhartha, he had to let go of his son because his son's soul needed/desired contrast/conflict the Buddha could not provide while embodying "oneness/enlightenment". I thought; easy peasy. We can come back into a state of alignment with oneness/enlightenment in an intake of breath. We may not even have to leave it to play the "bad guy" our children's souls desire. Shoot, if anything it means we have greater control over it so it's not gone overboard into unnecessary violence, loss of control, getting lost in imbalance and awareness. Desire to experience contrast does not need disclude an "awakened" parent, unless the perception of "abandonment" (like my oldest plotted for herself) is wanted. Even then, mere withdrawal of full presence can trigger that in a child (my son is a perfect example; he feels unloved if I walk into a room they've been arguing in and his sister's face is the first I see and so respond to). Being so aware, I can intuit clearly and accurately what is wanted for a script on the subconscious levels and act accordingly without guilt, damage to my own state of embodiment. Tara is perfectly capable of parenting an evolving soul.
And maybe, just maybe a deeper embodiment of this perspective is the purpose of this present event. How convinced am I in this perspective? Am I noticing the difference in me in regards to my confidence in it? Is this what life is showing me. Energetic block in my neck, just cracked, something firm, stabilizing, anchoring is rising.
Also just occurred to me it's about recognizing changes as I've already been given proof ain't nobody taking my children because I was given to include their tree houses in my horse ranch plans!

I am presently dancing with an event (again) in the presence of all this realization and awareness. It goes like this: three reps of the local district attorney had come to me and told me a restraining order against me in behalf of my exes in reference to my children would NOT be enforced by them because the restraining order is illegal. I slept well. The next day two officers showed up, my then 3 and 5 yr olds clinging to each leg. One of the officers stated "get those children to get into that car (dad's were in it with their friends) or I will knock you down, tear them off your legs, and you'll all get hurt". Talk about rage! I experienced all the trauma of the threat fulfilled as I imagined it in order to make my choice in how to respond.
Now, I had received a call from the school social worker to tell me DHS had closed the case. Slept well. Not long after, DHS worker shows up to inform me that yes, the investigation was closed, but that was only so they could open another type of case. School social worker said that kind of case is voluntary and I can close it. Nope, come to find out, it's another kind of case she's not familiar with and none of what they're doing is making any sense.
The only conclusion I can come to is that in some way I have agreed to whatever is to happen and my only choice is make it hard or easier on us, with or without physical violence. This is either some plan derived to better my soul, be my own savior that has too much momentum or is a soul agreement that my children need to play out. It just may be that no matter how I change my vibe on this, what will be, will be. It says nothing about me as a person or parent, it is simply the journey wanted by somebody and to it, I have agreed. 'Cause if there's a loophole out if it, I'm one who would be able to find it. It begins with acceptance.....

Just imagining another one of those auditorium scenes in heaven, only this time instead of hecklers towards me...
"Up for bid, ladies and gentlemen, one full fledged butterfly. There's a catch to this one: you must win her consent! Only volunteers accepted that already embody (unfurls long scroll of preferences)". Let the bidding for favor begin!

So, yes, I gave my children an "unfair advantage". It WAS fair: the offer was placed on the table and I accepted it. It's OK if I gloat for a moment (equal and opposite reaction to fear they might be right about it being unfair), but compassion will temper it, I'm good at compassion (bleeding heart here<-----). We'll snap out of it. Yes! Abundance, well being on every level, grace and ease are on my menu and I'm prepared to delightedly partake of all of it!

Oh, good grief, it's one "ha! I've got it!" after another, lol. Why we fear our own "greatness", it's not just because we fear mucking it up with taking on the responsibilities and failing to meet them in positions of leadership, influence, power, etc. Fear is the mechanism that is keeping us in the illusion we are wanting. Fully realizing our power, our own role in what's going on here, jeaopordizes the quality of this virtual reality experience, make it feel or apear less than real (the feelings ARE real, my friends, even if the circumstances are an illusion) and thus of no true value.
Of course it has value! If it didn't, it wouldn't exist! A time and place for everything, remember? Out I the field beyond right and wrong, remember?
Get it while it's hot, because (remember?) I'll be diving back into the illusion for the next chapter and won't be this grounded in these knowings! I won't have a clue again. Heehee

Ha! Now I even understand more clearly what that "quickening" was! It was mind blowing, standing in the front yard as if the whole world was moving by. I know it was not imagination or hallucination because my daughter ran up to me, grabbed my legs and cried out "momma, don't leave me!". When I "asked" what was happening to me, the answer came "quickening". When I looked up the meaning in spiritual terms, I found references to the Bible where David asked repeatedly to be "quickened". That means our conscious, physical self is given spirit life/presence and it's perspectives are taken into consideration, have equal say in the "game of Life". It's fully informed consent is also required. It is an "ego" that has been brought into alignment with it's awakened spirit counterpart.
So, yup, as Abraham says through Esther Hicks: you know too much!

Ha! This deeper realization of why "let the sinner keep on sinning and righteous continue in righteousness", "everything is serving you" leads me to understanding my experiences of dejavu turning out differently than expected:
We rehearsed all this, but I gained too much awareness by that scene in our play so I begin to do a bit of improv to make it how I like it and that pisses off those still desiring to play certain roles because they were counting on a certain experience, do I get kicked out of the play! BOL oh, my ornery little soul! LOL
I guess I am good at delivering plot twists after all! No wonder people are reluctant to play with me! BOL It's not just with board games that I change the rules. Oh, my: game changer!
"Kundalini" wide open today!

It occurred to me this morning more clearly that, indeed, there are no heroes without villians. We cannot be our own heroes if there is nothing within us to be dissatisfied with. Or maybe I've realized it on a deeper level, I've relinquished resistance to it. That brings me to relevance, which can only exist within the illusion of separation. We resist the truth because we delight in relevance. Aspects in my mind become incredulous as I realize the necessity of one of my own pet peeves: traumatic death. We complain how we used to love and thrived in lives without seat belts. But, no, some crazy-@ss souls choose to leave human existence via car accident and cause panic which results in laws, etc. Incredibly, that traumatic to the rest method of exiting the stage is our parting gift to those not yet bored with the game! My resistance to the concept was it's self my own desire to remain relevant. I'll then have an existential crisis until some part of the game engages me again. It's fantastical! Everything we believe is bad, truly is just serving us. The Angels we left in charge of maintaining our illusion hear our prayers just fine, they're reminding us "my dearest friend, you told us not to wake you up at this point or save you from this". It's their gift to us! I'm blowing my own mind, here. So, I'm realizing all this, again, and off into the illusion I will, again, get lost. These times of *fully awakened*, however are us being fully informed so that we can give true/valid consent to the changes we want in our experience. That's why my dreams have been me giving explanation! I'm reprogramming my matrix! BOL. I'm bartering and trading, making soul agreements, arrangements, etc my mind can't be party to if I want the *real* experience in this virtual reality! BOL
It may not all just be some divine comedy where we are the butt of some joke, but dang, if it don't get us laughing at ourselves!

I was on the phone having a getting to know you conversation with a guy when I noticed the escalating sound of conflict from the other room. I walk out just in time to hear my son; "I am getting sick of my show being interrupted by this fucking emergency notification!". I bust out laughing and "Oh shit, now my son's gonna start crying because he thinks his momma is laughing at him!". Which of course gets me laughing even harder at the situation. Then the town siren goes off irritating my daughter's noise sensitivity. Warnings to take shelter immediately come from my phone. OK, so we go into the bathroom. I turn around "nope", not feeling it. Siren stopped, flash flood warnings beeping from my phone, I went to bed. I just can't get wrapped up in fear of the elements. Storms are beautiful, invigorating.
Woke to a piece of Dove chocolate waiting on my phone for me and a pretty picture drawn and taped to the fridge. Cool. No grudge for laughing. We all went to bed happy. I also got flowers and coffee gifs as a good morning greeting from the guy I had been talking with. That's how we handle tornado warnings lol. I could get used to this.

We make choices to read those romance novels that almost always begin with forced kisses, rape, hatred. We choose to entertain ourselves with horrors, thrillers, end of the world scenarios. A search for entertainment for children where there is no bad guy, bully, or wicked stepmother and very little shows up. We get wound up passionately by natural violence, violence by man; finding it all so engaging. We feed the beast and draw it closer until we're looking into it's eyes and it's happening to us, and we cry "victim!".
So, I accept that while I have been creating differently, I had already created a bunch of that to come down my path. Today, instead of dismay and resistance, I put on my sexy X-Man outfit and whooped ass. My super power? Making a social worker stand quietly listening with hands folded before her like a disciplined school girl and leaving with "Thank you, Miss Stacey". She had even brought backup in the form of her supervisor "to explain things to me" who couldn't even hold "upper hand" energy before me.
So what if I have to play this game for a minute? X-Man Autumn's got this!

As I close the drawer in which I just placed a housing application I received this morning, I felt a serene sense of peacefully, warm joyfully, closing the case on me in reference to something. Storing it the attic type thing.
I had magical moments this morning when first a wild rabbit hopped up to me to nibble at the grass in front of me and then two robins came to frolic at my feet, stopping to look up at me, going back to jostle for the spot in front of me.
So many realizations, awareness of triggers to former pain associated with that housing application, lack of triggers to fear, etc .
Yes, the spirit medicine of these animals, so wild, free, vulnerable prey....these medicines are at work in me. They show me more about me: I am safe. The wild, vulnerable prey aspects of me are safe within me. My children, inner and biological, are safe with me. People are safe with me. If they don't feel safe or comfortable; that is their own discomfort within themselves standing out in such stark contrast to the comfort empathically sensed in me. Their belief that they have to control me, change me, etc is not safe with the protective aspects of me that only ever act in conscious, aware self defense of my inner aspects, my children and those I choose to champion. "To be against war us to be at war with war" and in a paranoid, persecution complex vexed world: "if you're not with us; you're against us" people will always be at war with peace. "In the field beyond good and evil", we know there is a time and place for everything, including fighting/aggression. I am safe and I know one of the reasons I am safe is because I am capable of discerning when "violence"/violent speech is appropriate and loving.
If so had a case against me initiated by me that drew manifestations of it to me, case is closed. I AM safety. I AM home. In me is room to run free. That's why I got visions of a horse ranch: I'm free to claim it. I am free to claim well being in all aspects on every level!

What life is showing me about me that I just realized today:
My PTSD symptoms used to be triggered by knocks on the door. While I still don't like the "cop knock" so common to people. However, it doesn't come with intense dread. Same with phone ringing and opening mail. They are no longer associated with trauma.
With the realization comes the liberation because the occurances mission is accomplished: to show me to me. The mirror isn't necessarily a person, experience or circumstance. It is the feelings of the present and past, the changes we notice, that is the increase in self-awareness.

So, how to handle an intuitive child's resistance to reading and writing? Her points are valid. I learned as we all do in our society and then I learned "angel speak"- the oneness that communicates the whole picture in one flash of feeling barely perceptual to the physicality that is like a subtle fragrance wafting in for a brief moment on a barely discernable tepid breeze. Spoken and written language was actually a devolution that occured with the increase of the left brain, the apearence of gods instead of Earth goddesses, in the search for the roots of suffering. As more understanding of these roots is grasped by the human mind, reevolution can occur and that's why the increase in and restoration of intuition and intuitive communication.
So, if helping others to reach reevolution is second as an excuse (can't help others if we can't help ourselves), than the number one reason for learning to read and write must be to obtain the tools to translate that which is intuitively felt for our own physical brain to grasp and thus take the first step in creating heaven on Earth. If stages of physical manifestation are: thought, vocalization, writing/drawing/painting, building, etc. Thus, yes, we must "lower ourselves" in order to lift up our physical experience and our 3D world. Though, you can't blame those of us consciously familiar with the exquisite sweetness, effortless, instantaneous oneness of the formless realms for resistance to being ambassador to the physical. It is the self-disgust and anger at the frustrations with the process we must overcome. We Begin by understanding how it benefits ourselves and accepting it because we appreciate how sweet it is to recognize joy so acutely from the state of misery and delight at the manifestations created by it ;)
Ha! I think I might have just finished the process for myself! LOL

The great fear I face now is the trauma created by the cognitive dissonance in people of authority. My childhood coping mechanism was what I call "intellectual duck and cover". I refused to allow expressed violent thoughts, misperceptions, and accusations to hit, register, and latch themselves into my brain. I refused to hear them. The cool part: I'd miss conversations around me which afforded everyone else around me complete privacy. I retained a measure of clarity, protecting my intellect. This is misinterpreted as being stupid, "not getting it" or being ornery. I wasn't engaging the full power of my very astute brain. Self defense was futile in my family and authority figures that followed. Violence always followed what we call "gas lighting" which is just generational or PTSD cognitive dissonance intentionally or unintentionally expressed.
Now that I have ceased ducking out, become consistently fully present, the cognitively dissonant authority figure arrives once again. This time, I'm not alone. I already have validation of my sanity, understanding, and respect. Last time I believed someone of authority say "we won't let them enforce this" only to have a police officer tell me "get those girls to let go of your legs and get them to get in the car or they will get hurt when I knock you to the ground and tear them away"- not because I was accused of neglect or abuse; because my ex was friends with a judge.
It is not what we do in that moment, it's what we do in the ones leading up to it. Every battle is won well before it is ever fought. So, I'm doing the work 

Today I let another wall down. I knew he meant it when he said he was sorry for being intimidating over the phone but I knew he would not be doing it again when he asked to hold my hand and look me in the eye, though not in an invasive trying to convince me way-giving me freedom to break eye contact if I wanted to, he sincerely apologized again.
I am noticing I am not being fed into a machine to be just another cog in the wheels without regard to my overall well-being. I do have people who truly have my back when it comes to making sure we feel safe.
I finally created that vibe within myself that draws it into my life.
Yes, there are those who are still provocateurs. Maybe I'm what they need to see so they give themselves permission to have the same for themselves and then be that for another.
I did my part in being the change I want to see in the world and now can see it and experience it in the world. I can expect something different and thus create more of it. A gift to my children and myself! I defined what I needed instead of accepting society's idea of what I need and I got it.
Appreciative for those who are allowing themselves to play that role and proud of me!

My struggle has been my heightened awareness of abusive aspects, the responsibility to protect and defend against them while living in a society whose very bedrock us use of force, fear and intimidation. I have been told I have to get used to it. May that never happen! We don't "get used to it" or develope "thicker skins". We relegate to the subconscious; creating disease and "demons". We develope the expectation of it, don't feel safe, project it, blame others and have no awareness why or that we are exhibiting PTSD symptoms. So, how do I justify being in abusive relationship with employers, social service providers, programs, teachers, etc?
It occurs to me that, yes, this is how our society works for now. That will never change if we "suck it up". Maintaining our awareness/sensitivity is how we maintain empathy, compassion, understanding, and ability to forgive. We can accept it is the way it is due to generational trauma while saying no and being emotionally honest. We can't avoid it, but we CAN be the change we want to see in the world. We can express how we're feeling without condemning. Every time we stand up for ourselves, someone's subconscious hears it, recognizes it, wants it for themselves. The next person who is being the change to express it will be another voice that justifies the subconscious. It doesn't have to be a war or cause we create with it. We can simply be consistent. We can sign documents "under duress, (name)". Anything done under duress is not legally or morally binding. We set ourselves free to choose freedom from coerced agreements the moment we feel un threatened, can have our needs met in a healthier way. We be the change that will change the world by treating ourselves respectfully and making it known that it is how we treat ourselves and want to be treated. The emotional honestly facilitates quicker healing, true 'resiliency'.
My acute awareness is my gift to not only me, it is my gift to the world.

Thoughts of suicide dance in my head. The dross coming up to make room for all that happy and deep understanding that I've been embodying. Being human feels just plum crazy at times.

I declare myself the gazelle that reached a greener pasture when she evades a predator. With each predator she evades, the pastures she comes to are greener and greener.

I've reached the state of being that when it looks it's worst, I still remind myself; "This is everything working out for me." I know it just means there's something better than this just waiting for me. "Better? Never heard of such a thing but for my imagining. They say it's unrealistic, impossible. Let's do it!"

Thank you provocateur for not giving up on me. Thank you for being so unrelenting and clear. Without your persistence I may not have reached so deep to understand it all so completely. It is not just a gift to me, it is my gift to you as well. Merry Christmas!

Today I struggle with the "consequences" of my graphic verbal expressions of my emotional experiences. When I was young, I was shocked by reactions. "This is how I'm feeling, not about you". Ah, but they identified with being the perpetrator. I would then feel evil and to blame for them seeing themselves as unwitting perpetrators. I took upon myself feeling evil. I accepted their retribution, their hate, which it turns out is for them to own. So, I face retribution for crying out "emotional rape!". Shall I claim their shame for my own, raping them of self- ownership by taking the blame? No. I'm sorry I carried your burden. I'm sorry I stole. It was my conditioning that said that as the child and then the woman, it is my responsibility. It isn't. For believing the lie, I'm sorry. I WAS doing wrong in these situations. It just wasn't the wrong I was accused of, the one we believed I was doing. I smell that stink of an energy coming to tear us from our home. I cannot change the drawing of it. I can only choose to respond the way I always have; shrinking or to respond with something new. I will not own you. I will own that I helped create it's strength over us. I will forgive myself. I will heal the trauma. I will create less of it in the world. Not by changing my impassioned, devoted speech, but by not allowing responses to convince and intimidate me. Yes, this may trigger your feeling weak. I can only hope you do not kill your soul with shame, for you are not wholly to blame. That hope is the end of my role.
I do no different than our modern political cartoonists or jesters and trabadours did in the courts of Kings.
I will rescue me.
In doing so, I set us both free from this beast. What you do with that freedom is not up to me.
It is not kindness to water down the truth for an adult.
We are not as fragile as we think.

I just kissed my dog's toes. LOL
I'm such a different person, LOL
Back to my happy center.
That means I'm out of alignment with the environment that got and kept me here. That means the environment changes to meet me by changes in those I've been interacting with or new people start coming to my door (so much easier on me) OR I'm on the road again. No hurry. No crisis. No worry. I AM a traveling soul.

The provocateur is introduced only so and until our mind hears and honors the voice of our soul; loud and clear. No reasoning away, no excusing thoughts entertained by the mind. No compromising actions agreed to.
No one else needs to hear for we are only preaching to the choir of those who know or the deaf who cannot receive. Though, there may be those on the precipice for themselves waiting to see how it turns out.
"You must accept this violation or we take away the roof from over yours and your children's head. We'll sit by you while they do it to you."
"Oh, false comforter, shall you warmly hold my hand while you hold me down during the rape of myself and my children? Excuse me if I refuse."
So, I hear my soul. It's O.K. not to allow ourselves to be deceived along with the self-deception of the false comforter. It's O.K. to refuse. It's O.K. if their best is not good enough to meet the needs of your soul, the depths of respect you have reached. That is their limitation, not yours and definitely not the limitation of those you were meant to be with.
I have learned this lesson. Thank you.



Some more of what life is showing me about me today: I am emotionally fluid. When I say I am ready for anything, I mean I'm more ready to be happy than anything, and anything else I handle that, too. Just as emotionally present for everything as I am consciously present. No carry over from one experience to the next!
Yup, another unexpected Knock on the door. Someone I always have happy conversations with, share happy hugs. Not even the sense of relief denoting carry over; just all-on happy.
Life may be an emotional rollercoaster, that doesn't mean I'm going off track. All ahead full steam! Woowoo!

What life is showing me about me today:
My "no" means "no" and it is appropriate as well as supported! Happy Dance 💃
That next unexpected Knock on the door was a social worker insisting they opened a case on me, she has to see our home, speak to the children, do a case plan with me that will include her finding a job for me and I will have to show up for, even if I don't like it, etc.
It took me a minute to feel the clarity in me that said this was highly innapropriate of her, illegal and unwanted. I told her I do not feel she should be here, that I will be investigating the legality of her assertions and that, for the record; her presence is not wanted here. I called the school social worker who verified plainly: I do not have to let her in the door or agree to anything. She had already told them they had no reason to have an open case on me. There have been no calls on me.
No shaking nerves!
And I got me a "ride or die" girlfriend!
*chin up in the air*, holding my head high, and yeah, that makes my nose up there- that doesn't make me anything but more important to me than anything. I gave this to me 

And today I become aware of my fears in asking of anyone for anything, the lambastes I received in youth, condemningly delivered excuses posing as reasons why which then became self lambastes before I even ask, preparing, expecting and so thus receiving.....
*Warning; approaching overload*
Blew out my entire digestive system already once in this life.
I tried to lie down, I really did. One ear open for "unexpected" Knock on the door, one of which already came today. These people need to learn to call first......oh, look, there another one is..... this is Ascension explosion that feels like it may never end or end up with spontaneous combustion....be well, my friend.

So, whenever I "level up", feel the discomforts of the little deaths going on within because replacement is happening, they include sadness of the mourning variety. It occurs to me that maybe that's because we get so attached to things. We form a habit of beliefs, perceptions, reactions, feelings associated with. These are familiar. We feel security in the predictability. We feel less than because of ______, _____ comes, as "we know it always does" and so we are as usual prepared and handle it accordingly, thus believe it self empowering: we can predict the future! It's familiar. It fulfills expectations. It is our "friend" and we "love" it.
So, we mourn the loss of our friend which brought us so much trauma and leave the false sense of security found in familiarity when we upgrade. We set sail on the sea with what feels like no rudder, no sail, no horizon. Even when we discover we are the rudder, the sail and the horizon, we are letting go of those that got a us through and arrived at yesterday. And maybe justifiably so! They got us so much further than the day before, exposing greater horizons on the way! So maybe I shall embrace the mysterious feelings of sadness I couldn't explain. The sadness is an acknowledgement of the greatness of what we have been. I am aware in my sadness. I love awareness- I let it go so often, lol. My sadness is thus gratitude. It is a coming home and I can feel at home in it.
Thank you.

Whenever I'd camp in the woods, feeling a warm sense of home, I would hear a certain bird call. I would never see the bird making the sound, so I always wondered what kind of bird it was. This past summer it called while sitting on a wire above me. It is the cardinal! Since then, they come close where ever I move to and sing. I now recognize what home is
Years ago, because I rarely saw any, I chose the hawk as a sign to myself that I had embodied my highest self/found my life's purpose. At the last place I lived and now this one, at each, a mated pair is nesting. I daily see them gliding over and perching directly in front of me. We're driving in high gear now! Smooth roads ahead! We're going long distances!