The officer cried with me

     After yesterdays' experience of having all my Facebook posts linked to this blog hidden for being against community standards and after remembering how I felt as a victim of sexual harassment on the job, I slept a lot. I thought about Facebook's response that with one stroke of a key, this entire blog could be wiped out. It could be completely lost to me. Years of insights, inspired stories, etc gone in a flash. That happened when  my computer crashed. I moved on. I had threatened to sue that company, though I knew I didn't have the finances to do it. I talk a tough talk, but know, or believe I know, that the cards are stacked against me.
      I woke this morning from a dream where I last minute finally decided to get Valentines for my family. I went to Walmart, where I knew the employees didn't like me. I tried to get in and out without being noticed. I got intimidated and left quickly. I encouraged myself and brought a friend; again, to get in and out quickly. I barely made it. I needed just one more, however, so I attempted to get it. The Walmart employees all converged on me. One in particular assaulted me. I got her down, but she was too quick, so I couldn't finish her. She attacked again, I missed stomping on her face, but as she turned her face back up, I smashed her teeth in with the heal of my cowboy boot. I did not feel good about it or empowered. My mother took me back to Walmart and there was an officer there at a different door questioning everyone who was entering. I knew it was about what I had done. I was prepared for the worst. The officer took us over to a table where a boy and girl were coloring pictures across from me. The officer asked my mother; "Do you believe your children think they are tough, that they are strong?". Thee was a hesitation. I didn't wait for my mother to laud how tough her children are. It's the way of the world; saying you or someone close to you can kick ass is socially practically required. I began drawing on a paper, doodling. I told the officer that no, I did not feel like I could physically hurt anyone. I didn't feel I had the physical strength to. I cried as I made this socially unacceptable admission. When I peeked up out of the corner of my eye, I saw that the officer was crying with me. At that moment, I woke from the dream.
     It's O.K. to feel weak. It's O.K. to feel unprepared. The dream had key elements in it. When, in response to having a kiss forced on me, I tried to hit the guy in the face, I missed. He was too quick and he laughed. I found him a short time later, tried to hit him in the balls, missed but didn't slow as with my next strike I hit him so hard across the face it left a mark. I wanted to say that my father saw to me feeling physically powerless when I I demanded he act like a man and not let my mother drag us off to something none of us, including him, wanted to do. Yet, it occurs to me that he did it because my intellect was stronger than his. I saw the narcissistic circles my mother was running around with his head. He was feeling powerless in the face of it already. When my brother had me pinned down, pinging my forehead endlessly, I used my words to send him running off crying. He hurt me harder at first but I got to him. My oldest was stunned by my physical strength when I helped her get a bunk bed into the back of a pickup truck. Lack of financial strength, legal strength, power in the face of unconscious Facebook algorithms, all these eat away at me, reinforce my sense of powerlessness leading to fights I cannot win when I use the strengths I allow myself to believe I do have to express and defend.
    This isn't the first time life has tried to draw this out of me. I tried to surprise someone by catching bait fish with a net. Feeling like Zena Warrior Princess, I tossed it. The net snagged and I was feeling weak and stupid. How was I going to tell the man with whom the net was entrusted that I failed him and probably ruined it? How could I think I could do this? I felt the energy change around me. I said to the universe; "Oh, that's what you want from me? You want me to not be powerful. You want my weak softness?" So, I played damsel in distress and for once he wasn't mad and ridiculing toward me.
     I remember how helpless I felt when I rode with my father to get gas in the pickup truck. A guy I went to high school with was pumping the gas. I think I might have had a crush on him. As the guy turned away after my dad told him how much gas to put in and before the guy could come back to wash the windshield and be able to see in, my father pussy grabbed me. He knew, from the look in his eye that was watching for my reaction, I would be embarrassed and he wanted to see it. I wondered as I wrote of this what it's importance is.
     The importance is that I now realize that my father was seeking vengeance. He had been holding it in those years how emasculated and embarrassed he had felt when I told him to act like a man. I couldn't have connected the dots back then to the two incidents. Now I know that if he had heeded my voice in that moment, used it as encouragement; he would have won that day not just for us children, but for himself equally. He hadn't though and he held me responsible for his own failure. He humiliated me as he had felt humiliated. That's a theme in my life. I speak strongly to empower people but they won't heed their own voice within them, so they won't heed mine. Except for my oldest daughter on the birthing table. She borrowed my strength when I sent it to her.
   This brings me back to "A Christmas Carol" by FX and the insight I gained from it about my taking the wrong lessons from events in my life. I intimidated my father with my intelligence. I have a powerful intellect. I made my mother jealous. A woman always getting men's attention, surrounded by their sexual interest felt threatened by the natural allure of an awakened female. I had no idea how attractive I was, but now I know that I am. Vibrancy and thriving are alluring. In this system of things, in our society, they are exotic and thus enticing. My vitality is stimulating and translated as sexy.
Today's mission: practice feeling the power we're afraid we don't have. Just because we didn't know someone could do that and we got caught off guard, that doesn't make us stupid. It only makes us inexperienced in how to be bad to someone. We honestly, truly never should need to know that. "You should have known!". "No, ma'am, I should NOT have known and I shouldn't have to know it now, but now that I do; watch the fuck out because I'm coming back to your town".
   I remember my attempt to learn sword fighting in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). The big guy training me gave up because I kept hitting him where it hurt, in places that were "off limit". Responses like that had me feeling there was no room for my warrior, for my power to be manifested physically (financially is an aspect of power in the physical). I was ashamed. I wasn't fighting fair. Now I know that is not true. There's room for my physical empowerment. I just need a punching bag because men can't take it. Just the fact that men couldn't take it means it's exactly what I need. Is sexually assaulting, verbally or physically fighting fair? Is planting algorithm fighting fair? I don't need to fight fair. I need to fight effectively. I am obviously effective already. I need only own it. I need only embody it and all else will be given me.
   What yesterday showed me about me: I did not feel the usual shame that normally would have come from that FB thing, the wondering if I had done something wrong. I knew it was "the spirits of the air" on attack. I had smelled them. In the absence of my shame or angry reaction, they left. They had nothing to feed on, to resonate with to latch onto. That attack had failed. Another gatekeeper bites the dust. My empowerment is no longer a fear reaction. It is a result of inner reflection, like that which I am doing right here in this blog that makes me untouchable. I am allowed to rejoice in my prowess. It is a happy, joyful act of living, of having a body to do that in. It is a delight to the senses. It is nothing twisted. It is vibrant, it is attractive, it is alluring. I don't need to go to the extreme like ninja master or body builder. I just need to be fit, to allow myself to fit into my skin like I do my jeans.
     As for those FB algorithms: I keep telling other women to stop apologizing for taking up space. I would post only the link to this blog so i wouldn't take up so much bandwidth. Starting today; I'm taking up all the space I need and posting the whole blog entry.