Not by dream, nor by beast, what this morning is showing me about me

        The feeling I woke up with, knowing I had been very actively dreaming was; "bleh". It just wasn't interesting. A red finch was outside when I went for a smoke. It was sweet and I liked it coming to my attention. I ruminated on how it is occurring to be that I DO have the words for how I respond to one person I am required to meet with once a week for my present housing circumstances. She triggers PTSD. Just thinking a phone call or text could be from here takes me from my high flying disc to full on dragging anchor, sinking to the bottom of the ocean or truly pissed off. It's not me. It's not residual PTSD. It's all out self defense response. Then my phone rang. I didn't get the usual dread that it may be this woman who triggers fight or flight or freeze in me. I actually had in mind a call I'd be willing to take and actually wanting, though I wasn't expecting it to be pleasant, to accomplish what I've decided I want to accomplish today. My phone ring tone no longer triggers fight or flight. I realize, too, that I am beyond freeze. Progress in the self confidence department. I can say no or defend myself without self doubt hindering me.
     I also realize that when I first came here, I was assaulted, no compromising with requirements that 1) my children be placed in school and 2) I get a job within three weeks. While it was being issued, I was so full of spirit with a vibe so high I could hardly see clearly and and I was full of "yes! I want to do this!". This to me seemed spirit in a state of complete and utter insanity. I mean, really? Neither of those non-options were going to work out. Who were we kidding? Now I realize that spirit knew it would work out in the end. Not only IS it, it is also blessing the one who made the non-optional declaration. He's seeing adaptation to circumstances like mine are in children's best interests and a benefit to all of us. there is no one recipe for those coming through these homeless circumstances. One young man wants a job so he can prove his self worth and his right to do what he wants with his money. Another just wants to settle for something, anything. Some just want a respite before they jump back into an addiction. A lesson financial supporters don't always want to be fluid with as they live in a world of money and numbers where everything good is stagnant, dead, hard and frozen in exactness; "the solid plan". Abundance, like creation, like creator is fluid and so must our perspectives and contributions if we are to flow with it and support expansion in individual life experiences. Some do the need the 'tough love' to squeeze them into a corner so they finally wake up because their soul is crying for it. Only when backed into a corner will they stop riding the fence and jump back into the fire or onto the path of their own well-being. So, yes, incites this morning from pure feelings, self observation and awareness and the phone ringing.
     And, it doesn't end there...booyah. My usual go out for a smoke and chat with the neighbor got interesting. First she had people leave her apartment. I was expecting one of them to be someone I didn't want to exchange any pretentious social politeness nor animosity with. I was already feeling the need to stretch, so I just did that with my back to them. I didn't feel the usual gut punch I'd feel in those circumstances. I focused on the fabulous feeling of needing to stretch. It's been so long since I've felt that 'after-a-good-night's-sleep stretch of limber well-being. So, experiencing it lately has been an experience I relish.
   Then another neighbor joined the picture. She interrupted me to show me something on her phone, so I responded; "You're interrupting" and went back to talking. I repeatedly have to remind her of healthy boundaries and flat out told her why she was getting 'in trouble' with our hosts. "No, you didn't get in trouble, they were instructing you on healthy boundaries because you have none in evidence". Holy carp! An intuitive man once laid eyes on me and immediately said "Bruja!". I've been told I am intimidating when I was barely a fraction of self aware that I am now. It's caused women to feel "uncomfortable" sharing space with me. It's the reason men give for my problems with romantic relationships. I can feel the "Momma Bear" nickname I was given years ago being fully embodied. If they were 'uncomfortable' and intimidated before, they're going running and screaming now for sure.
   All this fullness of vital energy is causing chaos in my physical system. I used to only feel this much energy flow in every cell on the few occasions I'd let myself feel anger. It would leave my  nervous system shaking for an hour afterwards. I'd be afraid because the only time I ever experienced it in others, I got hit by my parents. It struck fear in me even when it was my German dressage riding instructor giving simple instructions in his normal tone. So, parts of me are crying, though not in fear. The crying is in release as they are conscious that it is safe for them to let this energy through, they're accepting it as our new norm. This clarity, this vibrancy, this certainty, this knowledge and awareness at levels I've not embodied since infancy probably when we all laughed at, felt joy in, and screamed at the world unfiltered. layers and layers are moving within me. Fabulously frightening and enlightening.
   Now comes the phone call to enroll my children in K-12 online schooling. When the woman stopped to ask if I had any questions, I responded" No, but I want to make a statement for the record; 'The use of the words have to, must with the insertion of 'or' followed by the threat of reporting us to truancy has placed me under duress and I am not legally culpable for anything further in this conversation'. Her response was that yes, she understands, but (argumentative word indication) she has to. I told her I understand she feels like she has to or she would lose her job, go hungry and end up homeless like me, are therefore also under duress and irresponsible. Phone call proceeded with assurance it is being recorded. Now that I am back in sound mind, I ask myself; "what choice would I make if I was not feeling threatened?". "Withdraw my application". Done! No ominous "I'm gonna get in trouble for this" etheric shadow looming to my right as would usual jump at such an opportunity. As with yesterday's awareness of pre-planning conversations, comebacks, I need not plan for them for what I need will be given me in the moment it is needed. No need before hand, unless I'm devoted to the idea of creating such a moment. I'm on it. I also have clarity on the assertion by Abraham of Esther Hicks fame: we hear "do what feels good" and we think of the idea of feeling good we get when we have sex that is socially considered bad or inappropriate. No. Feels good as in "feels good not feel resistance to my awareness that my perceptions are accurate and I am choosing appropriately for me in alignment/resonance with my inner being". A totally different vibe for the phrase "feels good". It is not feeling "right", as in intellectually righteous we are so familiar with. It means "right" and in "correct" or "accurate". The energy is coming up out of my legs, my knees feel weak and gooey. The bones and cartilage are turning to gelatin, to cartilage as they transition from "weak-kneed" victim to strong-legged certainty. It also that inner relationship change I wanted that I had only previously allowed myself to experience when associating with The Druid (alleged twin flame). It is fluid connection on every level.
  "Implicit trust" with one's inner self; I am romantically in love with this concept at the moment. A child brought to a toy store gently offered her timid self; "you may choose whatever you like". Tears at such a generous, unconditional gift. Whatever I like. Instead of the Family Feud hesitation; "and survey says!", the hesitation before declaration will be "and Stacey says!". What delight. How frivolous. The all too serious, world on her shoulders little girl feels like a princess who has met her soul's delight in the purest of innocence.
     Reflecting upon implications, I remember how even those most intimidated by me always end up telling me things about themselves they never shared with anyone else. I'm like some sort of depth truth finder. That was at less clear trust levels within myself. Gads, guts are gonna spilled all over me with the emanation of "implicit trust". Messy concept, that.
Yes, a very full morning. A very good reset.
  I feel a nap coming. Sweet dreams for me.