Pepe Le Pew

     I woke slowly from my nap, stretched my legs out. charlie horse threatened in both legs. My toes stuck out while I did and my dog got excited about it. She went after them, so she and my toes played for a bit. My daughter looked over and I did the quick playful gasp and hid my head. She body slammed me. We laughed and wrestled with the dog.  My son realized I was up and as usual asked; "Did you have a good nap, Mom?". "Yeah, I think I did, Bub. Thank you".  I was definitely in a funk as if there was nothing for me to excited about. I went out for a smoke while my daughter let the dog out. I could feel all the negative, persecuting, kick me out of my home energies that usually come when I make a leap in consciousness. I remembered how I hated the smell of my mother and her body and the men it drew to her. These men who were sexual predators of children of whom my mother would then be jealous. I looked out and lamented; "Not even my rabbits are out here to delight me". I noticed something in the driveway in the dark beside a mis-parked vehicle and wondered if it was a piece of trash. Something darted out from another vehicle, the other spot moved a bit; my rabbits! Right in front of me and i hadn't even known it. "Faith Like Potatoes"; I reminded myself of my favorite movie ending. I may be experiencing the overflowing of oil that comes from me filling my physical vessel with life-giving water, but like those potatoes I have planted my dreams well. My dreams are my comfort; knowing they are growing out there while I go through what I need to go through in order to fit into them.

     I thought what it might look like as a physical illustration of what is happening to me etherically and energetically within me; the rising of old toxic energies rising like a stink out of me. I laughed; "Pepe Le Pew". Before looking for an illustration of him, I checked Twitter. All about Weinstein's conviction. I'm not interested, I thought. How depressing; perverted old farts. I don't want them in my reality, not even as something to hate on. Utterly boring. So, I Google searched  Pepe and the image came up on a blog about Weinstein and it all began to click within me.   

     Indeed, Le Pew was famous as a stalker who was constantly trying to force himself on a female cat who wanted nothing to do with him. Oh, ewww, yup, perverted old men permeated my childhood and a lot of that is what was being released from within me today. If we laughed at the cartoon, it was because she constantly made a fool of him and his unconscious-of-her agenda. We never consciously connected with her, but a part of us did and it didn't forget. The Le Pew party has come to an end in me, anyways. What a fucking upbringing.

  It explains the Charlies and Crook's who came at me despite my revulsion of them. Crook and his beer stink mustache wanting kisses despite my saying flat out that I wanted no part of it because that's how my father was when he visited my bed; beer stinking mustache,  unwanted physical attention. I was that poor cat whom we refused to identify with while something inside us screamed at how wrong it was. 

   "Is it so unreasonable to ask....." came into my head. To ask what? Who am I asking? I was told repeatedly, in one form or another, in my childhood that I had unreasonable expectations. So, the question would pop up within me; "Is it so unreasonable?". I let the world answer for me as what was truly unreasonable was forced upon me. This is where I choose what is reasonable or not. It will not come in the form of a question in me. It is perfectly reasonable to desire and expect for my dreams to come true. It is perfectly reasonable to desire and expect a life without unwanted attention, violent responses and reactions. It is perfectly reasonable to experience generosity. It is perfectly reasonable to desire and expect to be able to sleep comfortably and in safety, uninterrupted and loved and delighted upon waking. Am I not experiencing this daily?! I deny you , you fucking old perverts and women who justified them and blamed me.  Why did no one come to the cat's rescue? There was no rescue for her, no relief, no quarter. They found it funny. I'd try to escape like she did, but they were too big, they were made a fool of and I was punished. Such an insidious cartoon. Male children raised on it embodying the cool Mr. Pepe Le Pew. No wonder I have no success at dating and intimate relationships. Men my age revered and embodied Le Pew and road Runner, the predators and escape artists, Bug Bunny the Rabbit. 

    Thankfully, there are cleaner men out there whose innocence has not been so tainted. Maybe some have even disembodied those childhood models, the Archie Bunkers that were our grandfathers whose abuse we laughed at. We are what we eat and our generation devoured that TV every Saturday morning and Prime Time hours. There was the Revenge of the Nerds where the intelligent ones rejoiced at finally becoming as "lucky" and just like the pig-men.  It is my time to rebuke it; every fucking minute of it.
    Then there was Jimmy in the hall, when I was a teen. Leaving class to use the restroom in high school, he wrestled me to the cold cement of the stairwell, sexually assaulting me. I rolled him off but never said anything to anybody.  A sadistic seducer was born in me. I would get men's attention every now and again when feeling helpless. One I remember clearly. I was in a club dancing and that sadistic part of me began to kick in, in response to his lascivious attention. The conversation went on in my head; "I could never respect a man who responded to this outright, mean seduction. What a pig he is". Yet, vulnerable and in need of a home for my children, in the absence of family or true friends, I went along with it. Of course it ended up in a mess. That part of me asked once again, but I didn't play with it. My heart wasn't in it. I wanted healing. Little did I know, it still lived in every resentment. It's whispers so subtle and deeply hidden. Tonight it is being released; the aspect of me that got twisted. She is finally crying in the arms of my validation; yes, they were perverted and it was wrong of them. I didn't deserve it. My vengeance only hurt me in the end. My hatred my own self-poisoning venom. 
  I didn't do so bad, though. My youngest daughter loves me. She thinks I am beautiful and tentatively, admiringly touches my body occasionally as if I am a wonder of the world. I guess it must be. I must be to me. The truth of how much I love me. I live with the regret that my oldest daughter took that angry seductress into her embodiment.  Oh, how she hates men and abuses her son. She decided to become a stripper. I had no idea how I was responsible in part for that. She won't let me in to heal it, however. May that day come.
  When my father died, I cried only because my opportunity to hear him say 'I'm sorry" died with him. Recently a man apologized to me sincerely. He gained some of my trust with it. I didn't let it all the way in.  Not until tonight. I give myself that "I'm sorry". Shit, I was a child. I couldn't know or know how. I wasn't born with it. There is us and there is this out of control world we are powerless against when we come shining into it. 
  A friend posted a beautiful video on Facebook. Caught up in the melody......Beautiful and powerful.....and then it hits; kinda funny how the lyrics are "you pulled the rug". We tend to not even hear ourselves; he was using her/him as an emotional rug, running all over her/him with his need for someone else to be his source of every good feeling emotion, to be dependent upon to get him through it all. Make me a rug and hell yeah, I'm gonna pull out! I have enough trying to get myself through it all as well as two children! 
https://www.facebook.com/MusicLife/videos/1792081310935217/

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The Creator became enchanted with it's creation and enchantment corrupted them both

It's the night that just keeps giving. Try to lie down to sleep and find myself crying. I had tried to distract myself but Facebook drove me crazy as everything coming across my timeline was someone else's words addressed to "You" or "People" need to , have to should.....beliefs, beliefs, beliefs. Nothing feeling in alignment and I just want to rage and shut them all out. I need to funnel only me. Visits with others on occasion is great. It can contribute, expand, stimulate new perspectives, offer connection. There just needs to be more of me in my spaces. Ten in my thoughts, that Wednesday meeting I dread comes to mind and all the rebuffs I could give to her and to him. I know I risk my housing if I did. I curl up and cry and want to just leave this world. A small voice inside me responds to pictures of a beautiful beach, just how I like it and feels good to me, with a crying, wounded; "I don't want a beach. It wants safety before it can enjoy the beach, it's self. What good is a party if it can be crashed by soul devouring beasts? It's like the wedding scene in Braveheart when the Lord interrupts the festivities with his bullies to claim his "rights" under threat of death and steel away the bride. To save those she loves, she must go quietly. So, I quietly go to the meetings on Wednesdays and know my children will continue to have a bed to sleep in that night.....until they don't. The time always comes when people like that give themselves the thrill of casting you out just because they can, it seems. Always best to leave first. Homeless in a broke down vehicle, child protective services on my tail. Yay, I'm free to get stranded on the side of the road and go cold and hungry. Tired of that story. Ah, to have the warmth and security of being cherished............