Dear universe, I GET that people need exposure to me. I GET that is especially true of people in the social service field. I know in the end, they each come and thank me for being that different one that showed them better things are possible. I break the mold, I give reason to hope. It's not until after they have threatened, dehumanized, traumatized and humiliated me and my children. Take their perceived authority over me away, please! It's NOT O.K. It's really not O.K. In the least, I AM their equal. Just because I'm good at transmuting this violence, it doesn't mean I should have to. You abuse the gift I am to you when you allow this to happen to me.
I end up reminding myself that people don't see my full potential because they themselves don't believe they can be anything more if they were in my circumstances. They place limits on where I can go from here. Thus they seek to limit me, control me, "for my own good". While I appreciate their not wanting me to be disappointed or set up for failure, the result of their "help" IS always failure because I simply cannot do things their way.
I see a world full of communities dancing and playing in delight.
I see quiet solitary moments of placements upon sacred fires, of things being buried, of flowers cast upon the water to drift away slowly. I see mourning.
I see the sacred, serene dancing following.
Appreciation.
Escalation into the delight first envisioned.
So begins the peace of the age of the heathen.
Of true reason.
I see quiet solitary moments of placements upon sacred fires, of things being buried, of flowers cast upon the water to drift away slowly. I see mourning.
I see the sacred, serene dancing following.
Appreciation.
Escalation into the delight first envisioned.
So begins the peace of the age of the heathen.
Of true reason.
My son's unloading moment reminds me of my childhood. We are soooo fully present in every moment, soooo authentic and present with our feelings and emotions. Every moment is all that exists. Nothing else ever has nor will ever exist. That's when the "always", the "never" come in. We can only access experiences in alignment with that moment's lament. Our memories can only access memories that validate it. They are then the only moments to ever have or ever will exist. That's where hopelessness comes in. "I just want to break something!", "Nobody loves me!".
One can only validate the feeling of it all, if one wants to be honest. It is not wrong to do so. That IS how it feels.
With the validation comes acceptance. With acceptance, the release of resistance. With the release of resistance, different memories of different experiences can come in. Different potentials can be imagined. A different future then exists. In it's existence, it becomes manifested.
We just need to sit with them as they sit with it.
We need to be fully present to truly sit with them.
Our presence is invaluable; to be protected, respected and cherished. It is our contribution to the world.
One can only validate the feeling of it all, if one wants to be honest. It is not wrong to do so. That IS how it feels.
With the validation comes acceptance. With acceptance, the release of resistance. With the release of resistance, different memories of different experiences can come in. Different potentials can be imagined. A different future then exists. In it's existence, it becomes manifested.
We just need to sit with them as they sit with it.
We need to be fully present to truly sit with them.
Our presence is invaluable; to be protected, respected and cherished. It is our contribution to the world.
Me: Do you mind my sharing our story?
Her: Of course not!
Helping the less fortunate is right up her alley!
My inner child has watched silently from within me my responses to my daughter manifesting her qualities. She watched as my daughter picked up broken pencils from the ground, took them in for the poor, discarded little things. She observed my struggle to entertain this obvious need to save what was broken. It was her own self perception. How does my mommy feel about me? For our adult selves are the parents of our inner children.
Mommy wants to honor the daughter's need to rescue and keep, to make useful, to acknowledge it's retaining value. Mommy is also overwhelmed having to carry so many things, regretful that there just isn't enough room for hoarding.
She felt the cherishing feelings that mommy felt when she gazed upon her physical daughter in those moments of struggle. She felt the pride. She saw new pencils come in, so fresh, so clean, so much better to create with. She saw the detachment and letting go in the physical daughter. She felt the full presence of mother as mother sat with the physical daughter's pain. She saw the happiness. She felt the absence of struggle in her mother and the looks so full of admiration, of adoration as mother gazed upon physical daughter for hours.
Mother is not at all like her physical mother. This wonderous woman is MY mother and I love her. More than anything, I love her.
We embrace, rocking each other as tears flow down cheeks, comforting one another as acceptance opens to let the truth of all this love in.
I have found my mother.
I have a mother.
My mother loves me.
This love is my mother.
My mother is love.
I have given myself a mother. (She got that from me)
Best mother ever! (My son)
Her: Of course not!
Helping the less fortunate is right up her alley!
My inner child has watched silently from within me my responses to my daughter manifesting her qualities. She watched as my daughter picked up broken pencils from the ground, took them in for the poor, discarded little things. She observed my struggle to entertain this obvious need to save what was broken. It was her own self perception. How does my mommy feel about me? For our adult selves are the parents of our inner children.
Mommy wants to honor the daughter's need to rescue and keep, to make useful, to acknowledge it's retaining value. Mommy is also overwhelmed having to carry so many things, regretful that there just isn't enough room for hoarding.
She felt the cherishing feelings that mommy felt when she gazed upon her physical daughter in those moments of struggle. She felt the pride. She saw new pencils come in, so fresh, so clean, so much better to create with. She saw the detachment and letting go in the physical daughter. She felt the full presence of mother as mother sat with the physical daughter's pain. She saw the happiness. She felt the absence of struggle in her mother and the looks so full of admiration, of adoration as mother gazed upon physical daughter for hours.
Mother is not at all like her physical mother. This wonderous woman is MY mother and I love her. More than anything, I love her.
We embrace, rocking each other as tears flow down cheeks, comforting one another as acceptance opens to let the truth of all this love in.
I have found my mother.
I have a mother.
My mother loves me.
This love is my mother.
My mother is love.
I have given myself a mother. (She got that from me)
Best mother ever! (My son)
Coming back from walking the dog this morning, as the breeze caressed back my hair and freshened my in breath; a "smell" wafted in. It is the smell of the tortured, desperate creature stretching beyond it's limits, tearing at the core of my physical being for that just beyond it's fingertips. It is the insatiated wrathe if a child without knowledge, craving and yearning for something, anything different.
I know that means it is leaving because I have reached satisfaction, fulfillment. It is only when we leave our environment and return to it that we smell our own smell and see so much more if it, for our filtering for smell and seeing cancels out what is common, expected, not different, not a threat, familiar; it is to be taken for granted.
Now, most of us would be frightened of a wrathe. Ah, a demon, a ghost, a devil, exorcise it! White light it!
No, my wrathe was your friend and mine. It would not settle for less than true fulfillment. It would not be satiated by less than true sustaining nurturance. In the void of it's starvation it knew the difference. Not settling has always existed in me. It was never not a quality, it was simply not a fulfilled quality. Instead of settling with heavenly visions and knowledge, it demanded that which applied to the betterment of the human experience. How does it apply to down here; it demanded. It set the standard. It was of no use unless it was of use to me. Now. Here. It had become my essence. It turned it's reaching fingers within. It created and found what it craved. It became satisfied and thus a different creature. It is the now disembodied spirit on the air as we bid a mournful fare well. It's end is bitter sweet. It can no longer live in me. It was my friend.
I love me.
I know that means it is leaving because I have reached satisfaction, fulfillment. It is only when we leave our environment and return to it that we smell our own smell and see so much more if it, for our filtering for smell and seeing cancels out what is common, expected, not different, not a threat, familiar; it is to be taken for granted.
Now, most of us would be frightened of a wrathe. Ah, a demon, a ghost, a devil, exorcise it! White light it!
No, my wrathe was your friend and mine. It would not settle for less than true fulfillment. It would not be satiated by less than true sustaining nurturance. In the void of it's starvation it knew the difference. Not settling has always existed in me. It was never not a quality, it was simply not a fulfilled quality. Instead of settling with heavenly visions and knowledge, it demanded that which applied to the betterment of the human experience. How does it apply to down here; it demanded. It set the standard. It was of no use unless it was of use to me. Now. Here. It had become my essence. It turned it's reaching fingers within. It created and found what it craved. It became satisfied and thus a different creature. It is the now disembodied spirit on the air as we bid a mournful fare well. It's end is bitter sweet. It can no longer live in me. It was my friend.
I love me.
Out for a smoke, reveling in my imagination when a car pulls in with three women. I recognize what's happening as they get out: Jehovah's Witnesses. Delightful-honestly. I know Jehovah's Witnesses. I was one once.
Them: how are you today
Me: ( my typical moment of silence as I feel in for an honest answer) Happy! Very excited.
Them: do you know the way to happiness?
Me: BOL!!! (Obvious)
Conversation in which I feel deliciously inspired and confident answering their questions that are designed to make me think I need help finding happiness from others, leading to THAT moment. That moment when they try to prove it and establish it is they I must look to because .....
Them: Can we read you a scripture?
I consent. The scripture is supposed to prove I must look only to god and will be followed by one to then establish that I cannot do that except through them I explain the scripture is irrelevant to the conversation, explain the scripture to them and
Me: you are intent on changing my beliefs, you are assaulting my inner kingdom-"the kingdom of God is within you", I want you to leave now.
I don't give them the chance to respond, going back inside
Shaking as my nervous system deals with the shock of so much fearful passion; I'm still intimidated by in person confrontations. I console myself: they do not understand that they, and all like them, are spiritual rapists. It really doesn't matter what they think of me. It's OK that I wish it was different. It's OK that I still feel intimidated by "that" tone of voice. It is it's intention; to gain control of, take authority over. It IS aggression. It IS OK that I still sometimes let myself feel fear in the face of it. Wait: if PTSD is what happens to a healthy mind experiencing the after effects of a traumatic experience, assault IS traumatic=I am having a healthy response.I'm SUPPOSED to feel like this! This is a positive/good feeling. I am recognizing legitimate responses to legitimate perception! I'm perfectly awesome! No longer wishing it was different.
Instead of going to each of my neighbors' doors, as is their method and original intention, they just got back in their car and left. To my neighbors who would appreciate not getting a knock from them: you're welcome
I had been told many times that I am intimidating. I felt bad about myself when told that. I don't like believing that I make people feel bad about themselves. That eased a bit when I began to stop holding myself responsible for how other people feel around me. I know it's not my intent on any level to hurt or create discomfort in people. I cannot and do not want to be the control freak manipulating how people feel about me by making myself more palpable. I don't want to control their receptivity to my defending myself as if I was in any way threatening them (which only validates their feeling threatened anyways).
So, when I read a post on a friend's timeline that said; "I'm not intimidating. You're intimidated. Know the difference.", it really tore into me. My guts felt it, literally. All this empowerment is reaching greater and greater depths in me. (Releasing all those toxic cells that embodied those toxic beliefs is tearing up my digestive system, dying neuropathways that channeled dis-empowering thoughts creating headaches and perishing perceptions wreaking havoc on sinuses). I remind myself, as life doesn't change and self defeating perceptions come up for transmutation, that this is everything working out for me. It turns out to be true: fruit of this labor manifested as preserving my freedom today. I truly am O.K. with me, accepting and appreciating on deeper and deeper levels. Every opening up produced greater elation which in it's self is a prayer for more. Expansion is inevitable once it is noticed and appreciated. It truly can only get better from here, where ever 'here' is for any of us. And.... it's fun!
So, when I read a post on a friend's timeline that said; "I'm not intimidating. You're intimidated. Know the difference.", it really tore into me. My guts felt it, literally. All this empowerment is reaching greater and greater depths in me. (Releasing all those toxic cells that embodied those toxic beliefs is tearing up my digestive system, dying neuropathways that channeled dis-empowering thoughts creating headaches and perishing perceptions wreaking havoc on sinuses). I remind myself, as life doesn't change and self defeating perceptions come up for transmutation, that this is everything working out for me. It turns out to be true: fruit of this labor manifested as preserving my freedom today. I truly am O.K. with me, accepting and appreciating on deeper and deeper levels. Every opening up produced greater elation which in it's self is a prayer for more. Expansion is inevitable once it is noticed and appreciated. It truly can only get better from here, where ever 'here' is for any of us. And.... it's fun!
A song came on the radio with lyrics about "thanks to you, I get what I want". I began to cry with release as soul deep realization hit me. I did this. I get special treatment from life because I began treating myself right inside. I did it with self love. I did it with self respect. Life is responding in kind. I am honest and open with people without expectations or judgement, disarming resistance while standing softly steady and true to/in/for/by me. I am my own best friend and life is good to me.
First time ever to tell me how she admired me for the choice I had made. She, for all the same reasons I made the choice, wished she could have made the same choice.
I immediately focused on the embarrassment that someone I secretly admired knew my "dirt" and the betrayal of confidence; gossip. I wanted to know how she knew. I hated my mother for telling her friend in front of her daughter who was my friend. They all spread it! I took from all that that I was not loved, protected, that betrayal of confidence is what I could expect. I hated gossip, learned to expect it. I went henceforth into life experiencing plenty of it.
The other day I realized I had been admired by one whom I had admired. I had inspired courage in others to make choices that went against the beliefs and morals of our families and communities. I had drawn to me and inspired in another a non-judgemental, loyal friend who would hold my hand.
I am an inspirational woman! All these years I had missed that about about me- it went right over my head. I have loyalty in my life. I have a support system (as disembodied as it has been). I have admiration in my life. I have compassion in my life. All the things I thought were always missing were things I simply missed seeing, appreciating, realizing.
Watching FX's version of "A Christmas Carol" tonight reminded me to post this because it was his same affliction. Thankfully, it didn't take ghosts summoned by someone I had shamed, degraded, humiliated or anything. Just subtle wooshing in.
Alienated another relative. Ah, well. He wanted to team up; watch my children while I found a job. He had begun to be unnerved just camping out next to them last year. So, no thank you- for all our sakes, I'm respecting his limits at dealing with children even if he won't. Remained FB friends.
It was one of those "DARE you to repost" posts. Snooze. Then I noticed it was a photo shop of a girl holding a campaign sign for one who is publically verbally abusing and ridiculing her, dehumanizing. If this relative thinks it's brave to violate a child via her likeness, he would have no problem doing the same to my children. My children's photos are posted "friends only" so I can allow them to share their adventures with those who like them. Every photo posted is consented to by my children, I run it by them or they've requested it. Same with any adult in my environment. They trust me to discern who can be trusted with their likeness.
I will add, as well; to violate another at the behest of a dare under the imagined desire of a president is to lack understanding of sovereignty, self determination, responsibility. To not be sovereign is to not be living the principles this country (U.S.A.) was founded upon and therefore not in any way, shape, or form a patriot. Definitely not trustworthy with friendship and definitely not trustworthy around children and their likenesses. Family or no.
Some more of what life is showing me about me:
It used to drive me crazy when someone would take some thing from me and others would say "they need it more than you do". Are you kidding?! A single guy with working skills needs our food stamp card more than my children with my work limitations?!
The steak dinner we had the other night, a woman took all the left over steak and bones set aside for both our dogs in an antognistic manner. I did not like the manner, yet I was settled by an "she needs it more than I" understanding. It's an emotional need for things that drives it. She resents my ease and grace, fruits of comfort within self. It was the knowing on some level she was doing me wrong, unable to "help herself" that sprung up the manner. I understood without resentment that, yes, she needed it more than I despite my having less access to financial resources and more mouths to feed. I had no sense of "need" for any of it to begin with. Just an extra treat in a life full of them.
Being locked in the bathroom, I laughed; why did this happen to me? Immediately I rejoiced; better me than any of the others who use it. I didn't feel any sense of judgement or wrongdoing or being the butt of some cosmic joke as I normally would have. I knew I was going to be OK and if I missed my appointment, allowances would be made. I got over my claustrophobia years ago. I feel safe in tight places. It truly was: better me than some one else that I felt.
Sweet serenity!
I immediately focused on the embarrassment that someone I secretly admired knew my "dirt" and the betrayal of confidence; gossip. I wanted to know how she knew. I hated my mother for telling her friend in front of her daughter who was my friend. They all spread it! I took from all that that I was not loved, protected, that betrayal of confidence is what I could expect. I hated gossip, learned to expect it. I went henceforth into life experiencing plenty of it.
The other day I realized I had been admired by one whom I had admired. I had inspired courage in others to make choices that went against the beliefs and morals of our families and communities. I had drawn to me and inspired in another a non-judgemental, loyal friend who would hold my hand.
I am an inspirational woman! All these years I had missed that about about me- it went right over my head. I have loyalty in my life. I have a support system (as disembodied as it has been). I have admiration in my life. I have compassion in my life. All the things I thought were always missing were things I simply missed seeing, appreciating, realizing.
Watching FX's version of "A Christmas Carol" tonight reminded me to post this because it was his same affliction. Thankfully, it didn't take ghosts summoned by someone I had shamed, degraded, humiliated or anything. Just subtle wooshing in.
Alienated another relative. Ah, well. He wanted to team up; watch my children while I found a job. He had begun to be unnerved just camping out next to them last year. So, no thank you- for all our sakes, I'm respecting his limits at dealing with children even if he won't. Remained FB friends.
It was one of those "DARE you to repost" posts. Snooze. Then I noticed it was a photo shop of a girl holding a campaign sign for one who is publically verbally abusing and ridiculing her, dehumanizing. If this relative thinks it's brave to violate a child via her likeness, he would have no problem doing the same to my children. My children's photos are posted "friends only" so I can allow them to share their adventures with those who like them. Every photo posted is consented to by my children, I run it by them or they've requested it. Same with any adult in my environment. They trust me to discern who can be trusted with their likeness.
I will add, as well; to violate another at the behest of a dare under the imagined desire of a president is to lack understanding of sovereignty, self determination, responsibility. To not be sovereign is to not be living the principles this country (U.S.A.) was founded upon and therefore not in any way, shape, or form a patriot. Definitely not trustworthy with friendship and definitely not trustworthy around children and their likenesses. Family or no.
Some more of what life is showing me about me:
It used to drive me crazy when someone would take some thing from me and others would say "they need it more than you do". Are you kidding?! A single guy with working skills needs our food stamp card more than my children with my work limitations?!
The steak dinner we had the other night, a woman took all the left over steak and bones set aside for both our dogs in an antognistic manner. I did not like the manner, yet I was settled by an "she needs it more than I" understanding. It's an emotional need for things that drives it. She resents my ease and grace, fruits of comfort within self. It was the knowing on some level she was doing me wrong, unable to "help herself" that sprung up the manner. I understood without resentment that, yes, she needed it more than I despite my having less access to financial resources and more mouths to feed. I had no sense of "need" for any of it to begin with. Just an extra treat in a life full of them.
Being locked in the bathroom, I laughed; why did this happen to me? Immediately I rejoiced; better me than any of the others who use it. I didn't feel any sense of judgement or wrongdoing or being the butt of some cosmic joke as I normally would have. I knew I was going to be OK and if I missed my appointment, allowances would be made. I got over my claustrophobia years ago. I feel safe in tight places. It truly was: better me than some one else that I felt.
Sweet serenity!
What life showed me about me yesterday:
I was made privy to the private conversations about me. First, about the two school appointments. One thing people notice about me is how protective I am of my children. Quite a few see that as a bad thing. That didn't intimidate me. Normally I would have cringed and been afraid. I was defended by the school social worker. My unschooling and rewilding parenting was criticized. Didn't cringe and get consumed by fear, regret, insecurity. So much negative energy absent! Again, social worker defended. If my child doesn't want to wear shoes in class, she doesn't have to. She wants to be called Secret, they all already refer to her as Secret. Our ways are respected.
Normally if people expressed concern about not wanting to set us up because I might just leave, I would self judge, wonder if they're right about me, etc. Nope. No cringing in self doubt and fear. Nothing but understanding where they're coming from, acceptence, moving on .... into getting set up and settled in.
This is a climate (inner and community) we can begin to truly thrive in.
I did this! I did it not just for (in) me, I did it for my children whose inner climate is naturally going to align under the influence of mine.
Well, ain't that something?!
Also, another new friend expressed her own insecurities around other women and the jealousy that we got the apartment given over them who've been waiting longer. Cringing, self doubt, fear all absent. I understand where she's coming from and appreciate her being able to express that. Those are challenging perspectives to overcome. For the first time, I felt no guilt for being shown favor. I deserve good things and not in comparison. It's just the way it is. I've learned to create differently. She's still "needy". I overcame that.
Normally if people expressed concern about not wanting to set us up because I might just leave, I would self judge, wonder if they're right about me, etc. Nope. No cringing in self doubt and fear. Nothing but understanding where they're coming from, acceptence, moving on .... into getting set up and settled in.
This is a climate (inner and community) we can begin to truly thrive in.
I did this! I did it not just for (in) me, I did it for my children whose inner climate is naturally going to align under the influence of mine.
Well, ain't that something?!
Also, another new friend expressed her own insecurities around other women and the jealousy that we got the apartment given over them who've been waiting longer. Cringing, self doubt, fear all absent. I understand where she's coming from and appreciate her being able to express that. Those are challenging perspectives to overcome. For the first time, I felt no guilt for being shown favor. I deserve good things and not in comparison. It's just the way it is. I've learned to create differently. She's still "needy". I overcame that.
I had gotten so tired of doing it all alone. I wanted a companion. Two children, over 10 years, all the meals, clothes, cleanup, maintenance....I never wanted them motivated by guilt, walking on eggshells, afraid of punishment, etc so I never pressured. I'd express the desire for cooperation and leave it to them to choose yes or no. I respected the no. If one cried to the other that their shared mess was too much to handle, I would say "now you know how I feel" compassionately and would give a hand.
Lately I've needed to nap. When I wake, it's to a camper that's been cleaned. I'll go to the bathroom and dinner will be cleaned up after. The dog gets brought out and cleaned up after, fed. All without my asking, suggesting, threatening, expecting.
I no longer feel so all alone in this life.
It didn't take a man coming into our life or a good friend or traveling companion or community. It just took giving it time for them to reach that stage of development. So proud of them! Proud of us! We did it!
I know I am going through the get out the residue because I have embodied something "higher" and to continue to do so, anything not in alignment with it must be transmuted or go.
I wake to deeply sad, tortured emotions. I know of a trigger that causes the freeze if not the fight or flee. It is using intimidation on a child. It is threatening their entire future with "if you don't do such and such, you'll be (insert threat) all your life", etc. It is the mountain of a human looming over a child yelling with the full force of their anger, of their fear. I see the confusion of young men whose normal environment consisted of regular doses of it. I feel hurt and want to comfort them, but know the end of such an attempt would only be them looming over me threateningly. "Don't make/let them feel too tender towards me". They think we're taking that power away from them and don't want that because it was the greatest and only effective power in their reality system. I told a woman not to yell at her child over my child's head. I was told I needed to accept that woman's parenting style. A woman sneered and commented at my son and I froze. A teen, being "funny", smacked the phone out of his hand. I froze. I want to blow the f*ck up at them. Don't even look with disgust at my children. Don't look at them with a "those poor children" as if I've deprived them. Yet I only say something when I believe the adults around me will respect it.
Some days I'm momma bear for myself and them. Others I'm caught off guard because I'm feeling "in the flow" disbelieving it happened or going through a tender phase such as this.
Every once in a while an angel fills me when the intimidator comes at me. Not a thing they do or say resonates with me. I'm shielded completely. To have that shield every day! But then I'd never do anything to shield or act in self defense on behalf of myself or my children.
I just haven't mastered a consistent vibe toward it yet.
Every Sunday our bathroom gets closed. It's supposed to be from like 10:30-12:30, but they'll come lock it up as early as 8:00. This "forces" us into the church during services unless we can hold it and make it on foot across town.
I've taken issue with shelters run by religious institutions requiring participation in their religious services. I believed it a violation of religious freedom.
In a culture where children are told;" while you're under MY roof...", spouses are told "Not with MY money...", and people share with "less fortunate" neighbors as service to God; "If it weren't for MY religion, you'd be out on the street/hungry/etc.".....none of this sounds weird. Love places it's self in a position of authority/power and weilds it in a controlling and threatening manner.
So, if I complain about any of it, scream about violation of rights, I am screaming about being loved well. That's where all the "I treated you right and you didn't appreciate it" posts come from only to be matched by the "you had no respect, were abusive, etc" posts.
They are convinced they are right and well within their rights to dictate, expect, and threaten. They perceive themselves the ones that are "healthy" and otherwise is unhealthy, dangerous and produces worry for the rest of us. To the point they can't sleep at night, feeling like failures for not being able to "bring into subjection" those they "love" and then....their resentment toward us for "making" them failures, for being dependent upon us, for cursing god that he ever saddled them with us and cursing us for "making" them curse God- the worst of "sins"!
There's the basic rabbit hole.
There is why we can never "win" by demanding our rights be respected. It simply makes absolutely no sense to them. They would be "bad" people if they did; irresponsible.
Walk away, try to explain, and they won't understand.
They'll only open up when they're ready. It's futile arguing, explaining, begging for understanding. Can only give it.
"Let it end with me!" was mission. It did. I broke the cycle of abuse. By my youngest two children, you would never know from where I'd come. There is no longer evidence of it in me.
"Not with them!" was my mission. It is not so with them. There is no sibling rivalry. They argue for themselves and they argue for each other. They compliment one another. They express being impressed by one another. I closed the rift between brother and sister, devastated old cliches, etc.
My missions have met with success!
I am successful!
Ah, so what shall be my next success....
I was given knowing I reached my mountain.
I read we are "the mountain" we seek.
I heard knowing self is vortex.
I am living in the vortex?!
As typical, I go through heightened pleasant senses and then the dross comes up. I don't feel like socializing. I'm so "mneh!", I don't even get depressed about anything, lol. Seriously; an excuse for this "negativity" comes to mind and I disagree with embodying it "nope, it's not the reason". The "mneh" is just here being "mneh" and I'm allowing it. it's winter rest time. "Mneh!" Is effortless. A few days lacking excitement about something is nothing to get excited about, it seems.
Ech! LOL
Coming up out of "mneh!", I face one of my insecurities. I see men's profiles, the ones on adventures, and inside I immediately assume they'd have no interest in me because I have children. Just because I have yet to meet a man who can facilitate a free co-creation lifestyle with children doesn't mean I won't or that I am "less than".
And so glad I can be with my "mneh!" with a sense of nonchalance and humor! The worst of my todays are the best of my yesterday's. I am reminded of that when someone today told me I didn't seem in a yucky mood at all to them. I can laugh. I can explore and offer a variety of perceptions. I've come a long way from perpetual anxiety and depression being such a persistent norm I didn't even know what they meant! Two days ago I woke into a body full of a panic attack and as if in meditation "hit the ground running" in not letting any thoughts attach.
I've got this!
I've got this!
Last night I became flabbergasted-in a good way. The social worker for the school system expressed that she didn't want to just throw my children into an alien educational environment; she wanted to set them up to THRIVE. After all these years of downpouring criticism, walking head down against the elements as I forged ahead anyways, I have someone in a position of authority enthusiastically and insistently facilitating me. It is as if while I have been efforting in being the change I want to see in the world, I have come across people who have been waiting for an opportunity to adapt themselves and their community to the change I (and so many others) want to see and be in this world.
I am so grateful to have spent time in communities where being "all natural" is the norm that it could fully feel the norm for me!
A woman told me how she had told one of her friends to wear a bra when hanging out with herself and her husband, but that she did not feel the need to do the same to me. She trusts me and knows I'm "just an old style hippy" with no designs on her husband.
Then it occured to me to remember the last time I lived in this town. My being bra-less was the first thing men noticed and it was immediately followed by the demand that I wear one. One dude even bought me me two (which I left on his kitchen table when I left his company).
Here I am interacting with all these men in complete self comfort, totally oblivious to the concept that on warm days, I am probably driving them crazy. Ha!
At least she complimented me in saying I have the breasts to "get away with it", lol
A woman told me how she had told one of her friends to wear a bra when hanging out with herself and her husband, but that she did not feel the need to do the same to me. She trusts me and knows I'm "just an old style hippy" with no designs on her husband.
Then it occured to me to remember the last time I lived in this town. My being bra-less was the first thing men noticed and it was immediately followed by the demand that I wear one. One dude even bought me me two (which I left on his kitchen table when I left his company).
Here I am interacting with all these men in complete self comfort, totally oblivious to the concept that on warm days, I am probably driving them crazy. Ha!
At least she complimented me in saying I have the breasts to "get away with it", lol
I have been prompted this morning into complete discovery (which of course warrants further exploration into the complete discovery of it's various aspects for those interested)!
It was asserted to me last evening that one cannot get to know themselves if they are with their children 24/7. I immediately knew that it is exactly how we can come to know ourselves for it IS spending 24/7 with ourselves..... while it is true young children have their own unique challenges in not being separated from their subconscious as we and they deal with the frustration of not having the words or cognitive development to communicate it all nor enact it all, however: they also act out their parent's subconscious soundtracks because nor are they so sperated from their empathic nature. They are our unfiltered mirrors. I took advantage of this gift.
Then puberty hits, their neuropathways disconnect to match the consciousness of the stories they will live that will help them explore their own desires and potentials until they are in their 40s and know who they are and what they want to be.
Weeee!
It was asserted to me last evening that one cannot get to know themselves if they are with their children 24/7. I immediately knew that it is exactly how we can come to know ourselves for it IS spending 24/7 with ourselves..... while it is true young children have their own unique challenges in not being separated from their subconscious as we and they deal with the frustration of not having the words or cognitive development to communicate it all nor enact it all, however: they also act out their parent's subconscious soundtracks because nor are they so sperated from their empathic nature. They are our unfiltered mirrors. I took advantage of this gift.
Then puberty hits, their neuropathways disconnect to match the consciousness of the stories they will live that will help them explore their own desires and potentials until they are in their 40s and know who they are and what they want to be.
Weeee!
Indeed: I am a super clear thinker and more and more confident of my capabilities, my value, my worth, my powerfully helpful qualities....but each step up is often preceded by an overwhelmment, a throwing in the towel, a giving up if hope that makes more room for a more solid confidence and *knowing*.
I don't like being discounted just because I feel like I'm down for a count!
some more of what life is showing me about me:
I am no longer dragged along or intimidated by those more forceful, chaotic personalities. No, I'm not going to zigzag across 4 lane main Street to make various stops; I'm going down one side, making those stops then going down the other and turning back home at a light. No, we're not going all piggly-wiggly, too confused to try clothes on; you're going try them on, make sure you feel comfortable and good about you in them now, nnot maybe when you lose a few pounds. AND I got a thank you for momma 🐻 ing her!
Also, when a forceful "you're going to have to..." by a man in a position of authority was expressed AT me.....no resonance, no self doubt, no submission, just an observant "everything is going to work out even if it's not on his menu". And it is! I'm not having to! And he's going along with, even supporting the menu life has prepared for me!
I'm sooo freakin' stable inside when interacting with other people. My "messy" is mine in my own private time, which is being allowed plenty of rest, and I'm solid foundation for the rest.
Lovin' it!
I am no longer dragged along or intimidated by those more forceful, chaotic personalities. No, I'm not going to zigzag across 4 lane main Street to make various stops; I'm going down one side, making those stops then going down the other and turning back home at a light. No, we're not going all piggly-wiggly, too confused to try clothes on; you're going try them on, make sure you feel comfortable and good about you in them now, nnot maybe when you lose a few pounds. AND I got a thank you for momma 🐻 ing her!
Also, when a forceful "you're going to have to..." by a man in a position of authority was expressed AT me.....no resonance, no self doubt, no submission, just an observant "everything is going to work out even if it's not on his menu". And it is! I'm not having to! And he's going along with, even supporting the menu life has prepared for me!
I'm sooo freakin' stable inside when interacting with other people. My "messy" is mine in my own private time, which is being allowed plenty of rest, and I'm solid foundation for the rest.
Lovin' it!
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