Only makes it harder if we define love as dependent. It feels alot easier to love if love means to actively express appreciation. We're not nose to nose with a tree causing us to miss a view of the forest.
I LOVE the idea of having created conditions that allow only the extraordinary to come in! Wow! I did that?! Awesome! So proud of me, tingling at the potential of extraordinary coming in!
What life is showing me about me today: I no longer feel threatened or insecure about my own responses on the relationship scene! No longer anxiously attached to hoping someone received me positively. Learning to just have fun with it.
Online him: How are you today?
Me: Very well, thank you. How are you?
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: and you're doing.....
Him: good
Me: (lists things I do for fun and pleasure) How about you?
Him: have fun.
Silence.
He sends pics of creeks and muddy vehicles.
Me: look like things I consider fun.
Him: it's fun
Me: is this a robot?
Blocked
I LOVE the idea of having created conditions that allow only the extraordinary to come in! Wow! I did that?! Awesome! So proud of me, tingling at the potential of extraordinary coming in!
What life is showing me about me today: I no longer feel threatened or insecure about my own responses on the relationship scene! No longer anxiously attached to hoping someone received me positively. Learning to just have fun with it.
Online him: How are you today?
Me: Very well, thank you. How are you?
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: and you're doing.....
Him: good
Me: (lists things I do for fun and pleasure) How about you?
Him: have fun.
Silence.
He sends pics of creeks and muddy vehicles.
Me: look like things I consider fun.
Him: it's fun
Me: is this a robot?
Blocked
Another adventure in online dating....
Him: Do you want to chat some more to get to know me better?
Me: No
Him: why don't you like me?
Me: no means no, even if it's answering questions revealing your insecurities. You just violated my free will.
Blocked.
Him: Do you want to chat some more to get to know me better?
Me: No
Him: why don't you like me?
Me: no means no, even if it's answering questions revealing your insecurities. You just violated my free will.
Blocked.
I truly enjoyed exchanging messages with a different guy about a culture of consent and the nuances of saying we live in a culture of rape, exploring the potentials of changing to culture of consent. He was reflective, considerate, and receptive. He feels safe within himself remarkably within the field. Yay!
My children would like to have a man in the house. So begin Stacey's adventure with online dating....
Him:
Hi , care to chat ? I mean what can it hurt ?
Me:
That question sent my mind on a quest for reasons it could hurt. Obviously the bottom of the rabbit hole led to.....hurt. Wasn't fun. Principle speaking, you opened with coersion. Pre-emptive attack. Nasty little habit. Do you care to try again, fresh start and all that?
Him: you bet, but if you're going to play games.....
Me: ooooo, a barrage of pre-emptive strikes against imagined expectations and control conditioning. 2X.... blocking.
Him:
Hi , care to chat ? I mean what can it hurt ?
Me:
That question sent my mind on a quest for reasons it could hurt. Obviously the bottom of the rabbit hole led to.....hurt. Wasn't fun. Principle speaking, you opened with coersion. Pre-emptive attack. Nasty little habit. Do you care to try again, fresh start and all that?
Him: you bet, but if you're going to play games.....
Me: ooooo, a barrage of pre-emptive strikes against imagined expectations and control conditioning. 2X.... blocking.
The guy who started with the flower emoji fared SO much better!
Volunteer got too interested:
Social service organization's, public or private, generally have a "no Facebook fraternization" rule/policy. This protects clients as well as employees or volunteers.
People of limited means are quite often easy prey. Those who refuse to violate the policy are under the duress of fear of retribution such as accusations and/or denial of offered "help". They know people in general hold them as suspect to begin with and their word would not be trusted, especially when contrasted by the word of a "dedicated doer of good deeds". The client then feels a need to compromise themselves, become a victim.
These policies also prevent entanglement that might lead an employee/volunteer to be taken advantage of and/or accused of innapropriate activities.
Such policies limit intimacy, undue/premature/innapropriate familiarity as well as influence and their violation potentially a serious breech of trust.
I know I was grateful for such a policy when I was a domestic violence advocate! It protected me from a particularly manipulative client.
I have also felt the threat of being the client approached. It feels like having been doomed the moment that person was met. Just another "no win" destroying another attempt at stability. "Here we go again".....
Appreciating when rules/laws/policies actually DO reflect and uphold healthy boundaries.
Got a friendship request. As usual, I scope out the timeline that will thus be coming across mine. "Joke" about watching the roads because drinking men will be handing keys to women with a photo of a traffic pile up.
Nah. What happened is this: in the face of his coersiveness "come on, babe, loosen up!", she didn't let her no mean no about that drink. She's been culturally conditioned to fear "not being fun/nice/friendly/loving him". Under further duress of fearing his displeasure and accusations, she lets him throw her under the bus by accepting the keys. Then he "has to" rescue her, bragging of his greater intelligence, his long suffering of her faults such as the resulting poor driving record, making her the butt of sexist jokes about "women drivers".
A wise woman lets her no mean no and preserves herself from being the butt of sexist jokes, even if it means being accused of not being "loose" and taking things too seriously.
My only traffic ticket was for speeding to get home from a pediatric appointment that ran late over 20 years ago. My rush was to get the dishes done before my husband got home so he wouldn't beat me. That woke me up to the concept of no man's pleasure was worth my record.
I don't need intimate friends who are gonna throw me under the bus and then laugh about it amongst their friends. They shame "typical" women and call the "non-typical" mean, men haters, etc. Being a woman in their environment is a no win. Respect for women is a non-existent concept in their reality.
No thanks.
Volunteer got too interested:
Social service organization's, public or private, generally have a "no Facebook fraternization" rule/policy. This protects clients as well as employees or volunteers.
People of limited means are quite often easy prey. Those who refuse to violate the policy are under the duress of fear of retribution such as accusations and/or denial of offered "help". They know people in general hold them as suspect to begin with and their word would not be trusted, especially when contrasted by the word of a "dedicated doer of good deeds". The client then feels a need to compromise themselves, become a victim.
These policies also prevent entanglement that might lead an employee/volunteer to be taken advantage of and/or accused of innapropriate activities.
Such policies limit intimacy, undue/premature/innapropriate familiarity as well as influence and their violation potentially a serious breech of trust.
I know I was grateful for such a policy when I was a domestic violence advocate! It protected me from a particularly manipulative client.
I have also felt the threat of being the client approached. It feels like having been doomed the moment that person was met. Just another "no win" destroying another attempt at stability. "Here we go again".....
Appreciating when rules/laws/policies actually DO reflect and uphold healthy boundaries.
Got a friendship request. As usual, I scope out the timeline that will thus be coming across mine. "Joke" about watching the roads because drinking men will be handing keys to women with a photo of a traffic pile up.
Nah. What happened is this: in the face of his coersiveness "come on, babe, loosen up!", she didn't let her no mean no about that drink. She's been culturally conditioned to fear "not being fun/nice/friendly/loving him". Under further duress of fearing his displeasure and accusations, she lets him throw her under the bus by accepting the keys. Then he "has to" rescue her, bragging of his greater intelligence, his long suffering of her faults such as the resulting poor driving record, making her the butt of sexist jokes about "women drivers".
A wise woman lets her no mean no and preserves herself from being the butt of sexist jokes, even if it means being accused of not being "loose" and taking things too seriously.
My only traffic ticket was for speeding to get home from a pediatric appointment that ran late over 20 years ago. My rush was to get the dishes done before my husband got home so he wouldn't beat me. That woke me up to the concept of no man's pleasure was worth my record.
I don't need intimate friends who are gonna throw me under the bus and then laugh about it amongst their friends. They shame "typical" women and call the "non-typical" mean, men haters, etc. Being a woman in their environment is a no win. Respect for women is a non-existent concept in their reality.
No thanks.
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