Letting it all out that I might let it all in

     

     As close to total breakdown someone of my state of clarity can achieve today. Turning attention to inner child's perspective about seeking out a counselor yesterday began the letting go process for her. It began with one of my son's teacher's "He'll HAVE to...." triggering my inner teen's assertion that there is no have to. We've addressed this tone before.   There is no "have to". There is no such thing.  I can hold my breath and die. I can hold off bowel movements, become toxic and die. I can give children to foster care and run off to have the time of my life. I don't have to eat; enough anorexics and bulimics have proved it. So have the breathairians in a different way with better feeling results. I've already established this on some level. My inner child just hadn't been reached with it.
    I walked onto my porch to a man standing in front of  my door talking to my neighbor. 'Could you lease not stand in front of my door while talking to her. It is not comfortable for me". He said O.K. and just stood there to continue speaking to her. "I told you you needed to move."; I said. He just looked at me bewildered. "Now"; I clarified for him. He moved and my neighbor mouthed; "Thank you". I told her she needed to stop initiating conversations so she feels like she's being good and nice. That's why you get that unwanted attention. Be a bitch; I told her. My neighbor then helped me channel my inner child with where "have to" led in my inner child. She listened, held space and asked the right questions to help my inner child down her own rabbit hole. I was told I had to be afraid by parents, teachers, commercials, news, etc. I thought if I did what I "had to", it would help them feel safe and I could then do what I wanted to anyways. I wasn't helping them and I was cutting off what I wanted to do so it never happened. I sent the wrong message. In seeking to be O.K. with the fear that created the "have to", I watched horror movies to see what was so damn attractive about fear. That, of course, drew terrorizing experiences into my life, driving what I wanted even further away. What I wanted to begin with got lost. As I lay down for a nap crying, I heard my mind come to the conclusion that it was really only there to be a conscious channel for that inner child it had abused with "have to" reminders.
     When I woke from my nap, I understand how I had gotten too dependent on words. Explain yourself, justify your desires, help them understand you, cast that spell upon them that would release them from the enchantment of words that bound them to illusion to begin with. I got lost to my own desires in it. Sometimes we can't explain it, we can only feel it and it's the masculine aspect's job to intuitively translate those feelings into pictures; form and function. Masculine has to share feminine's feelings in order to do it. That's why it's so sensitively/acutely aware of emotions in those around them. That's why little boys are such mommy pleasers and grow up into women haters in a world where women are lambasted with "Nothing is ever good enough for you", "You're too picky" and "It's never enough for you". Of course it's never enough. We're creative geniuses and our feelings and visions stimulated by then are going to keep on growing. Get over it. Passionately creative people will never be satisfied except for in their state of creative passion uninterfered with, uninterrupted. Yes, it wants to feel "just right"/complete, one stage at a time. Sometimes good enough IS good enough for the moment; like screwing in a screw loosely to keep flexibility while another piece is placed and all the screws perfectly tightened. (assembled a shelving unit just before writing this). Sometimes it is not good enough because what is to be built upon it needs a perfectly stable foundation to set before putting weight on it.
    Next came an interaction where someone said to the effect that I stay to myself until I'm ready to start pushing or testing limits or boundaries. Wrong vibe. That's not what I do but have been accused of trying to get away with something, looking for a way to do something "bad" or "wrong". It is not that I am discontent or being rebellious. It may have been other people's reasons for exploring boundaries; to challenge them. That doesn't make it mine and I don't "need to" believe it of myself. What I do is incubate in a space whose dimensions are safe and when I've done with that incubation, I explore the dimensions(rules) of next available space I have available to expand into and incubate an even greater expansion.
    My exploration of the recently introduced concept of the universal "law of gender" may have a lot to do with where we went next: Incubation periods. Moon time isolation. Pregnancy. Women don't have "secrets" or are trying to "hide something". We're simply aware that the creation process does not like to be interfered with or observed where thought observations can change the feelings the creation is expressing. Intuitively we know certain aspects of creation need an incubation period, a cocooning where the womb is protected by hardness and density, darkness, the unconscious that does not observe and project. Developing photos can't be exposed to light. Painters and other creatives don't like their paintings or sculptures seen before completion. Writers don't want their writings read until they're complete and edited, checked for fluency.
    This leads to the whole what to choose for my children where it started to begin with. While it's too ate to achieve it as fully as it could be done potentially; it may very well be that rather than our cultural concept of childhood length, we could all be "incubated within our circles until creative maturity at age 21. Let us stew in our imaginations and desires nurtured by mature adults who understand and value the process themselves before setting us loose into the world with so many of those incubating-in-our-imaginations creations have already manifested.
     I've come to understand and allow myself to accept quite a bit about myself today. As raw as I feel, as tender and tired; today is a good day.