The rant had to come out

     I embodied the understanding of this morning's meeting and the blessings that came with it. This is the life-giving water. Increase that and the dross oil must come up and out. One thing clear: what I do, I do for me and was in the plan anyways. Fine, God/life/ Universe/Source wants to give me impedance to not fall back or hesitate before this door. Threats and intimidation don't feel good. "There are others we can be helping". So, I'm not worth helping because I'm not submitting to threats? GASLIGHTING, baby, GASLIGHTING. That doesn't feel good either. They do not understand how they themselves set the people they're "helping" up for failure. They traumatize those who are already traumatized to the point of disability, force them into traumatizing work environments and wonder why they need help again in short order. Their clients aren't the problem; they are. It's the patch 'em up and toss 'em back into a system that further cripples them so they see the results they think are successful and have the numbers to show to get their funding.
      Now, I could tell those same people the following story and wonder what kind of fool my kidnapper was. They would not be able to imagine how he could ever believe what he said, that he could think like that. And yet their dissociation with their inner selves causes them to fail to realize that their belief in what they're saying, that they can even think as they do, makes them the exact same kind of fool.
      I had broken up with an abuser. I was sleeping in a camper with myself and my two small children. The camper's electric was plugged into the house of those who were allowing us to stay on their property. I could not drive the camper myself because my abuser had rigged the breaks and gas with strings to control them instead of the pedals. I woke in the middle of night to him, drunk, driving off with us in the camper, tearing the electric cord out of the house. As he drives us up into the mountains of California, well out of cell phone range, I tell him; "Don't you realize you're kidnapping us?!". His response; "No, you can't kidnap your own woman and children". Wow, right? And yet the very people who say "wow" fail to realize their verbal abuse, their idea of love is just as ridiculous and out of touch with reality as his was.
    That is why when asked today; "Who did that?!", my response was; "It doesn't matter". Like kicking a dead horse. The only response I would have gotten would have been; "Well, if that's how you feel; you can just leave now without our help." I've been down this road enough to know.
    So, with the poison now out of my system, the pathway is clear for me to get back in the flow so I can bring in the money for me. Not to prove anything to them. Not to prove my worthiness. Only ever to allow myself to receive. And ya know what? When I have the "proof" of my "worthiness", they lose their privilege with no thanks from me. Not a single fucking donation, given credit, well wishes. Just the dust I shall wipe from my feet.
    Se la vie, realms of the emotionally retarded beings!

Meme to come out of today: "Emotional intelligence is sexy!"

   I almost let them steal my momentum from me. I could feel the resistance in my trauma response. I bounced back rather quickly. And maybe that's what today was showing me about me: I'm not fooled, yet neither am I victimized by such any longer. I maintained my authority and my power. I allowed and was able to 'fathom'/understand what was happening. "Forgive them for they know not what they do". I don't have to. They must first come to an awareness and then forgive themselves. Forgiveness can never come from me. Releasing them from the results of their behavior only enables them. I cannot even ask God to forgive them, to lie and reflect back to them sinlessness. That would be a disservice. It would be enabling. All I can do is realize that it is now out of my hands.