Self awareness and letting go of fear is not for the faint of heart!

     My heart continues to release and heal. This, of course liberates any other aspects that have been holding energy for it. As these bubbles of fear are released, holy moly- it's the etheric version of tooth pain. That 'just want to claw out of our own skin' level of pain. Like squeezing a pimple nerve pain we have to deal with to get rid of the subtle perpetual dull throbbing against the nerve situation. A moment's sharper pain to get rid of long term suffering. It occurs to me why people don't want to do this. Better to keep it repressed where we don't think it is not felt, let it slowly kill us and 'not know it'/dull our awareness of it. I can understand how it would kill someone of a heart attack or something. I want full souled liberation, however, no matter what it takes. I got a taste of it. There's no going back from that. Going back would be harder than just letting go and let all this happen. That IS all it takes; allowing the process. Easier said than done when we instinctively move away from pain. I know with each phase of release, it's quicker and easier.
    Last night I let go of something. I made a video this morning. I was happy with it. I was happy to have put it out there with no expectations or understanding of what may result from it. I just happily went on to other things. Then it hit me; there are a whole lot of feelings I would have had and had had in the past as a result of doing something like that. uh, oh. Yup, all the pain my heart took on from those thoughts and self criticisms and expected criticisms the last time I thought of putting myself out there had to go. So, yeah, that gotta get out of my skin suffering. 'This is everything working out for me" 'Love what arises", breathe! Panic attacks after panic attacks..."just breath", "love what arises", "this is everything working out for me". It's like giving birth without the physical results discernible to the world. Screw what others may or may not believe I'm doing! I seriously, literally haven't got energy to waste on  such stupid unaware shit like being called lazy, not doing anything, my children need to get outside more, being home alone so much isn't good for me and every other common idiocy. I haven't got room for even "forgive them for they know not what they do'. screw that shit, I'm moving mountains here, out of the way!
   That must be the state of being I came to while I slept. I woke from a nap thinking it was morning and I had slept over 12 hours; I was so well rested. Felt like I had passed through alot of time. I had obviously burnt up a whole lot of toxic energy because I was soaked in sweat. That's when more panicked, etherically painful release happened; I woke with the sense of 'fuck that shit; ain't got time for it' associated with a vague worry about what someone else was thinking. I had cut loose the sand bags holding me down instead of fiddling with tedious knots and details......nothing but distractions that hold no significant value worthy of the effort and attention. I had only slept three hours.
   I understood why a loving heart might not want to drop a million dollars in my lap with a lottery ticket and fast track me into my dream life. It was given to me to know yesterday afternoon. (The plan of the "powers that be". Ya'll psychotic, man. I am not your proving toy! The things we don't know are going on in them thar spirit realms! Life plans and soul agreements we aren't aware of or necessarily privy to.) The only way, it is believed, the people who 'help' the homeless will be made aware of what giving people time to get out of survival mode can do is to show them by using someone like me. (Yeah, they knew what my reaction would be.) Going from here to a six figure income doing what I do instead of struggling to get a minimum wage job that will burn me out after a short time and have me right back into homelessness; they would see value in what I say. They would see value in not forcing and pushing and requiring, etc. (Oh, yeah, it's hitting me moment by moment and I'm trying to leave it be....my children! grrrrr the shit I put up with with sending them to school, CPS worker.....oh yeah, ya'll better be running in another direction.) That's only IF those 'helping' the homeless want to know; IF it would actually be appreciated. "We can't do that for everybody" might be the response and excuse for not making changes. Law of Attraction, as taught these days, states that an agenda to prove or change something creates resistance to change. Trying to prove something to anyone else is self-defeating and defeats the opportunity to sweep them up into the change we've got high speed momentum of already created. (hrumph! Yeah, outta here)
  Ever try to 'help' a child with something they're determined to tackle themselves? They'll bite ya! lol Well, that child lives in a very good many of us. That is why it is said that we will not change until we tire of the fight. We'll find one reason after another to push against, to protest, to fight, to argue, to take up a cause, to take up a side until we are dead tired and have nothing left to give or are beaten up, bloody and unconscious; metaphorically speaking. Bar room brawls ending like that don't necessarily get into people's heads that they've hit rock bottom. We live in a culture that flaunts and idealizes and idolizes 'keep on going', 'push through it', 'don't stop', 'don't quit', 'be strong', 'be tough', 'be consistent', 'accept no excuses'. I think Nike got it right with "Just Do It". Drop the resistance, the worries, the over thinking and just do it. Drop the baggage and just do it.
   I dropped the baggage and am dropping more as I choose to "Just Do It".
 (oh, there's some baggage being dropped up in this house, lol, this in parenthesis topic obviously isn't part of it yet)
   Wow! One clandestined thought process, three hours of sleep and I change my whole trajectory! The lines cut, this hot hair balloon is rising. There is no guilt in the idea of handing over the key to my apartment and blowing this clambake. "What's going on?". No guilt or regret or remorse with the response; "None of your business. You blew your chance to ask." Leave 'em hanging. The wondering will kill them and eventually they won't be able to resist seeking out this blog. Then, change will come. That gives me an idea, somewhat unrelated but one I was awaiting.

oooooo; the financial power to walk away from anything without having to leave everything behind. I like it....immensely

I just learned that it's Quantum Leap day today. After the above experience; I believe it.
No wonder I woke up with an "ain't got time for that shit" perspective; I was coming to in a whole new body with a whole new experience of this shared reality. Aches and pains usually associated with these kinds of sleeps, which feel like the symptoms of chronic fatigue, were noticeably absent.
I think I have a camper coming......

Right relationship within self recognizes appreciation in delight and has no need to hear '"thank you". Delight is the gratitude.